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With The Real Imhoffs
The Real Imhoffs
Chad and Angela Imhoff invite you to join them in real conversations about relationships. You'll hear validating content that normalizes interactions between partners, then you'll listen as the Imhoffs give you tools to have new conversations around familiar content. They use examples from their own relationship and give you practical and tangible options that you can apply in your relationship to feel more connected.
Dr. Chad Imhoff earned his PhD in Counselor Education from the University of Arkansas. He is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a certified EFT Therapist and Supervisor and the Clinical Director at The Joshua Center, a private agency in Fayetteville, Arkansas.
Angela Imhoff earned her masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from John Brown University. She is the Ministry Leader for a faith based 12-step program at their church and she is a Certified Life Coach.
The Imhoffs often host workshops for couples and enjoy helping people find ways to feel more connected to themselves and to each other. For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Episodes
Wednesday Apr 05, 2023
Wednesday Apr 05, 2023
Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series
Episode 14: Responding to Pain
Show Notes
Intro & First 5 minutes:
Alternative Responses that come up for couples who have experienced addiction. Once there has been health and sobriety, things feel better, however, if we never go back and discuss and open up the pain, then the body holds onto it. Addiction ‘takes’ a lot from the person and from the relationship. It’s important to, when the couple is in a more stable place, go back and discuss the losses so they can grieve.
Early on when there are apologies and responses, anger and resentment tends to be some of the first emotions or feelings that present themselves. But once the anger is responded to and the trust is rebuilt, sadness and grief is what presents.
5-10 minutes:
The sadness can be new- when there has been so much anger and protection. People who struggle with addiction tend to go away from pain- so to consider now going into the pain with purpose is hard. The opposite of addiction isn’t only connection- it’s connection around pain, where the person has gone to other things for comfort.
We (Chad and Angela) are both people who tend to outperform our pain. This concept is hard for us. Asking our partner to sit with us in pain is hard enough as it is. It’s even harder when the pain has been caused by our partner’s behaviors.
10-15 minutes:
Your ability to enjoy life and relationships is directly related to your ability to grieve and go through loss. If not, you wall off so many parts of yourself you feel isolated and disconnected. The parts are- be sad for it and experience it, but then also be able to put it down.
Honoring what it is that your body is trying to say when the pain comes up is what we are trying to acknowledge. A person who is in relationship with someone who struggles with addiction has mistrust and is holding pain from it that has never been acknowledged or responded to because it’s never been the right time. Couples that can bring up the pain, share it and discuss it, and grieve together, sure up their relationship in remarkable ways.
15-20 minutes:
It’s a hard thing to go into, but if you can ask, “what have we lost due to addiction?” You can break it down practically and write down time, dollar amount of what the addiction costed, but then also try to consider the emotional impact… that it has cost joy and connection that takes a long time to rebuild.
Pain is the emotion we are focusing on, but anger, shame, resentment and more are going to be pretty close to this pain and you should expect for them to show up too. Anger and shame are emotions that are very normal to experience in this process.
You might need help navigating this. A therapist. A Sponsor. Someone or a couple who has been through this and understands.
Connect Point:
In this connect point we want you to consider how you respond to pain and then share that with your partner. In order for our partner to be able to respond to our pain, it is important for them to understand our habits around pain. Take a few minutes to see if you can share with your partner some of the ways you respond to pain and disappointment.
To find out how to connect with Chad and Angela, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Friday Mar 31, 2023
Friday Mar 31, 2023
Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series
Episode 13: Relapse
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Relapse is part of the process. What happens in your relationship when the ‘addicted’ person relapses? Does it mean you are back at square one? Addiction and coping strategies are fluid, meaning periods and seasons of health and wellness tend to fluctuate. We can be healthy for a while, then get triggered and fall back into old patterns. It doesn’t mean we are back at zero.
Minutes 5-10:
Our bodies hold and remember how painful ‘square one’ was, which is why relapse can trigger feelings of those old pains. Our brains go back to the pain that the earlier interactions caused. One of the signs that you aren’t at square one is that your awareness of the process is already more advanced than where you used to be.
Relapse doesn’t have to mean going all the way back into the habit the way it used to be used. It can mean just leaning back on old habits during a time of trigger or stress. This can often add shame into the awareness process, which tends to perpetuate the habit. It’s important to make the distinction, is it a ‘relapse’ is it a ‘slip up’… what is the narrative around ‘usage’?
Sometimes asking a few deeper questions can reveal the differences from the former usage to the current behavior of resorting back to it.
Minutes 10-15:
3 or things to look for around relapse. 1. Did the person who went back to the habit know that they didn’t want to do it. Is there an awareness. 2. Did they come forward and share their mistake- versus getting caught. 3. How long did they stay back in the former habit? Relapse, like addiction- is a continuum.
The key is to pay attention to what part of the structures you put into place areas that still need work. Community, accountability, access to things… there might be areas that need to be sured up- and a slip up or relapse will reveal where those weaknesses are.
Trust is still being built in the newness of the health and both partners are only just learning the new ways to build security.
Minutes 15-20:
There is a benefit to analyzing a relapse. Where did the disconnect happen and how can you adjust moving forward. If you can zoom out and look at the process- the relapse or the triggers and challenges, you’ll be confronted by are predictable. It’s easy to slip out of the new routines when the newness wares off.
When new trusts are being built, and someone messes up, it is easy to go to blame and forget that there is an interaction happening between two people. The cycle is at play even in the new choices.
Affirming again that a relapse doesn’t put you back to square one- because you should have lots of new resources to turn to.
Connect Point:
In this connect point we want you to do- take a few minutes and assess the support and structures you have put into place to help you feel secure in your recovery. Then share it with your partner.
To read more about what Chad and Angela Imhoff are doing, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
Wednesday Oct 26, 2022
Wednesday Oct 26, 2022
Episode 12: Recap and Resources
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- In order to navigate these hard places, we often need a guide. We need help. We encourage you find resources and use them so that you can start to adjust the very strategies you needed when you were in an unhealthy place.
In this final episode of this series we are going to do a recap and offer resources. You might have tuned into this because someone told you to or because you wanted insight on your specific issue, but we may have missed it, because it’s impossible to cover all the outliers and nuances of this topic.
Often times people talk about what you need to STOP doing when it comes to an addiction, but we want to emphasize what TO DO. These five things help you get healthy and stay healthy.
1. Set safe guards in your life the remove the item you struggle with. Try to put some distance between you and your temptations.
2. Try to have self-awareness around some of your triggers and experiences are. Learning what is causing you to want the thing and what you think that thing will offer can help you make the adjustments you need.
3. What does it look like to self-care? Do you know what brings you joy and helps you feel well? Often it can be something that gets you moving or something that stimulates your brain.
Minutes 5-10:
4. Relationships is the fourth thing to consider. Its more than just a person. It is more of a community or group of people who understand my process and knows me.
5. The last one is knowing your story. Being able to embrace our own process, maybe even doing an inventory.
We’re reflecting on the scaffolding that the addict can put in place to become healthier, but we also want to reiterate the impact of a healthy attached partner. It’s not a goal for the partner to be the accountability partner of the addict, but we do encourage you to consider the strategies you developed during the addiction that you might need to shift in this healthier season.
We encourage both individual and couple’s therapy to discuss some of the long term consequences and damage that might need to be repaired. Addiction is the opposite of connection. To really start to shift the cycle of addiction, you need to consider going toward the places that need to be responded to and cared for. We not only get health around the ‘thing’, but we also build a healthier connection in our relationship.
We believe that even the hardest scenarios overcome and find healing and health.
Minutes 10-15:
We have hope for you, whatever process you are in. There is a way to replace disconnection and addiction with repair and connection. There is a way to find new community and new habits and a new way of living. Our culture tells us so many of the wrong things will satisfy us, but we have to have hope from something else.
We believe that there is hope in God, but we also have hope that someone is going to show up for us, even if we have never experienced that. If you can’t show up for your partner because there has been too much damage, we encourage you to get help. If you can clarify what the pain is and get responded to by a therapist or support group, then you can possibly consider starting to take that pain to your partner, and being there to respond to your partner’s pain.
A few of the resources that we’ve already mentioned and want to reiterate: Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and of the secular anonymous groups. Celebrate Recovery, is a faith based 12-step program that covers all the issues and is available nationwide also. You can check out www.celebraterecovery.com for a location near you.
We also recommend that if you get into therapy, that you see an Emotionally Focused Therapist. You can go do the website: www.iceeft.com to find an EFT therapist near you.
Connect Point:
In this connect point we want you to consider, what is the next step you need to take to be a healthier person?
To learn more about Chad and Angela and what they do, check out www.therealimhoffs.com
Wednesday Oct 19, 2022
Wednesday Oct 19, 2022
Episode 11: The Partner of Addiction
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Now that your partner has a stretch of sobriety, the partner of the addict has to adjust the tendencies of control and over managing- that were required when the addict was using- but that are now not helpful for the relationship.
Diving in to the other side of addiction, looking at the partner of someone who has had an addiction. The first thing we notice is just how hard the person is working to maintain balance in the home. The partner of the addict often is the one picking up all the slack to make sure everything runs ok AND in all that doesn’t give up on the relationship.
Things like- create activities to keep the kids busy to they don’t feel the lack, continually checking the bank accounts to make sure they have security, over managing schedules and plans to try and mitigate any misses, etc… The reason this is hard is because the partner is doing SOOO much to help that it is completely unfair to imply that their behaviors are now part of the addictive cycle.
Minutes 5-10:
In order to maintain everything, the partner has to manage so much, and can’t rely on the addict, and now that there is a stretch of sobriety and health, you have to release some of the things that you had to take on. Just like the addict has to learn to replace the bad choices with healthy ones, the partner to the addict has to consider replacing some of the controlling tendencies with something else that is healthier for the relationship.
There are some deeper questions worth considering when you are the partner of a person who struggled with addiction. One question to consider is… what about me chose a person who chose addiction. It is easier to blame the addict for the being the problem then to consider how my responses or behaviors might be contributing to the problem.
Minutes 10-15:
We cannot say enough that this is hard to hear, hard to consider, hard to take in, hard to believe. It is good to acknowledge that the partner’s behaviors to keep everything going were needed to keep everything going, but now things have to shift.
Here are some practical action steps that the partner can consider. The first is awareness. Self-awareness and self-care are important for the partner to have regardless of the addict choices. Several series ago we talked about how the wounded or hurt partner needs to be able to distill down their pain, then share it in a way that the partner can respond to.
It’s a hard shift to for the partner to start to see the former addict as a resource versus a liability. The more we can clarify our internal messages the more likely we can get the response we need.
Minutes 15-20:
For these injuries that happened in the height of the unhealthy behavior, both partners have to realize that there was no way to address it in the moment. The partner was only surviving the addict’s choices. Now that they have sobriety and awareness, there is an opportunity to build security where there were gaping wounds and pain. It’s nearly impossible. Because your partner has failed you in your past, you have built rigid systems that have not failed you, and now we’re asking you to consider putting aside the thing that has not failed you, and try to rely on the thing that has failed you. We understand this is unfair and also really difficult.
However, if we continue to behave as though our partner is still unhealthy, even though there has been evidence that suggests they are healthier, chances are we will not be able to embrace the change and therefore actually be pushing against it.
Specifically, in regard to pornography, it isn’t only that the addictive behavior sends a message that the addict is not ok, but also might imply internally to the partner that maybe they aren’t enough or aren’t good enough. It pushes on the partner ‘view of self’.
Minutes 20-25:
In this process we are asking the partner to step into their pain and their experience when their partner was in the addiction and try to articulate it in a way that a repair can be made. Can you try to bring forward how your addicted partner’s behaviors impacted your identity and your view of yourself.
In the last episode we tried to nail down the impact the addict’s choices had on their partner. In this episode we are trying to allow the partner to get that pain responded to. We want to build security where there is insecurity. This is part of the maintenance of healthy living. Going back and repairing where damage was done. Digging up places where the partner’s body still has mistrust that we want to repair and replace with security.
Connect Point:
Take a few minutes and try to distill and think about when the struggle was still active. Can you get more clear around what impacted you the most and what some of your internal messages you were believing about yourself in those places.
For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com
Wednesday Oct 12, 2022
Wednesday Oct 12, 2022
Episode 10: Attachment Injuries
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- We have to go back, not to say I’m sorry, but to say that I recognize that damage I’ve caused has left a lasting impact and I hate that impact and want to make up for it.
Still talking about addiction and how it impacts relationships. Trying to provide a framework for understanding addition more and the long term impact it has on both partners. In this episode we’ll be discuss the long term damage that the addictive behavior caused and how important it is to go back and repair where there was damage done.
Scenario- year three of sobriety after ten years of not drinking. Things have been going well, but the relationship still doesn’t feel as connected it could. On a random day, the addict comes home late and the partner freaks out. The partner is panicking because of the damage done in the ten hard, bad years, even though there has been three good years.
Minutes 5-10:
The partner who did the damage has to be able to acknowledge that even though there has been several good years and sobriety, there is still residue from the past that the partners body is holding onto. At the time the damage was being done- in real time- no one had the wherewithal to recognize the damage. Then, there were years working on sobriety and getting healthy, but also no attention was given to the pain caused in the bad years.
At some point, the couple needs to go back and acknowledge the pain that was caused and repairs and amends need to be made, so that the partners body and start to have more assurance in the places of mistrust. It’s hard and shaming and embarrassing to go back into the damage, but it is necessary for the attachment to be repaired.
Minutes 10-15:
This is a message that says, go through recovery together! It is helpful for the partner to see the work that the addict has been doing. The partner needs assurance that the addict isn’t going to make the same choices and being able to acknowledge the damage that was done is a good way to give that assurance.
There are so many things that could have caused some damage, and therefore it’s important to make sure that they are acknowledged and repaired. This isn’t about blame and ownership out of revenge or anger. This is about the person who caused pain circling back to rebuild trust in places where trust was lost. This is hard.
Minutes 15-20:
This is so hard because at this point there is already so much work into healthier living. We are asking the addict to go back into pain that they avoided for good reason. So to have to set aside all the hard work they have been doing and go back into past mistakes and pain, it feels crazy.
It would be easy to feel attacked and criticized when your partner gets triggered, but if you can recognize that it is only their body alarming them and you can help calm them, it changes your ability to respond. This is a complex maneuver that requires awareness and healing. You have be capable of recognizing that something you did in your past is still affecting your partner in their present and you have the opportunity to help them heal.
Minutes 20-25:
From Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight, or the workshops we do, Created for Connection, there is something called a Raw Spot where there is a wound or a painful injury that needs attention.
Connect Point:
Can you consider if you’ve made a choice in your relationship that had consequences that affected your partner and can you acknowledge what the choice was and how it affected them, and then discuss it with your partner.
To read more about Chad and Angela and what they do, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Wednesday Oct 05, 2022
Wednesday Oct 05, 2022
Episode 9: Your Story
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- Sharing your story and how you got healthy give you assuring in your heart and in your relationships that you aren’t’ going back to the place where you were.
The fifth of the 5 action steps is embracing your story. It’s often hard to ‘own’ your story without having the first 4 action steps in place first. But once you can tell your story, and show the long division, you can give yourself assurance that you know how you got here and what you need to be healthy. Our culture promotes keeping the hard stuff private, so this step can be hard.
For me, realizing how my life broke down, it was easier to start to understand my own stuff because I was in CR and was listening to other people sharing their stuff. It was inspiring and helped me have the courage to start considering my own flaws and poor choices. So often we want to present the good things and we forget to acknowledge the bad.
Minutes 5-10:
If we are unaware of some of the reasons we struggle, then sometimes those things we are unaware of can be the underlying things are run us, and we don’t even know it. Our bodies are designed to hold on to hurt, so when we’ve been through hard places, yet we hide the places that our body remembers, it can feel incongruent. Without putting the pieces together, it’s harder to stop the bad behaviors because we don’t know what they are connected to.
Even though our culture is getting better at acknowledging mental health needs, often our family of origin rules and past experiences speak louder to us about what we can own about where we come from.
Minutes 10-15:
You don’t really want to go to this 5th one until you have the first four done. You need people to support you and who know your story and accept you, so that you can start to accept yourself. A good place to start is with a timeline of your chronological events. You can start to fill in some of the emotionally impactful things, but the framework for a timeline is a good foundation.
Once your timeline is in place, can you look back and ask yourself if there were events that were hard or left an impact on who are you. Often you can start sharing with the people who are safe, like a therapist or a sponsor. We don’t suggest you do this alone. In recovery groups, people often do an inventory. That’s a good thing to do if you are getting started on this process.
Minutes 15-20:
It can be confusing on our stories when people we love who cared for us, also hurt us at moments in our lives. Being about to identify the impactful moments, good and bad, is part of embracing who we are and how experiences shaped our identity.
It takes work for us to redeem some of the worst parts of our stories and choices, but it is possible. The first step is to identify what those worst parts are and why and how they happened. We also have to consider the pace that is sustainable for our body as we start unpacking hard things.
Minutes 20-25:
When you can start stacking the action steps, then you can build self-care in on the days when you start to unpack your story. Also, communicate to your safe people that you are about to tackle some hard topics from your past so that they can be ready to respond to you if you need it.
Connect Point:
Take some time and consider your story and ask yourself if there are some years or events that you would like to remove from your timeline. If so, consider sharing those times with your partner.
To read about and hear more of Chad's and Angela's stories, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Wednesday Sep 28, 2022
Wednesday Sep 28, 2022
Episode 8: Relationships
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- When we are talking about relationship and community, we are referring to people who get your journey and who can support you in the process.
The 8th episode and the middle of the 5 Action Steps that support recovery. Number 4 is Relationships. Not just the married relationship you are in, but also the relationships in your life that influence you. In order to sustain change and stay committed to change, you have to make sure the influences in your life line up with your goals.
We discussed, while still in the action stage, versus the maintenance step, what it would look like to host my parents who don’t follow the same patterns of eating as we had shifted to. Chad discusses what it looked like when he drank socially, connecting with the people around him was part of the process.
Minutes 5-10:
We have to start choosing to hang out with, so that the people who we hang out with have lifestyles in the direction we want to go. “If you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you’ll probably get a haircut.” Even in Chad’s Strava account, he started following people whose activity matched what he was hoping for his level of activity to look like.
We encourage people to look around and see who is living a life that models the way you want to live, and then surround yourself more with those people. The change we are looking for aren’t just behavioral changes. They are community changes and relational changes and attitude changes. For sustainable change, I have to find community that understands and supports the change you are trying to make.
Minutes 10-15:
We have been talking about the importance of including healthy and supportive community in your process. It is also important to consider what community might trigger you or what influence might not be supportive of your process. You have to be aware enough to know what influence is beneficial and what influence is not helpful.
It’s a hard thing to consider that your family of origin or even your spouse might be part of the influence that is producing shaming or triggering your process. You might need to consider needing to set boundaries or limits on the time you spend with the people who trigger you.
Minutes 15-20:
We also want to encourage the partner of someone who is addicted to consider getting involved in the recovery process. If there is addiction in your relationship, then you probably have plenty of pain and distress around the addictive behaviors also, and it would be good for you to get support on your side also.
Part of this process will be for you to learn a new way of interacting with some of the people you care about the most who might also inadvertently are hindering your process and don’t even know it. Again, we’re saying, shifting your relationships so that you are surrounding yourself with people who support your process and limit your time with those who aren’t as helpful.
Minutes 20-25:
These action steps build on each other. You don’t start with cutting off or shifting relationships. You start with limiting access to the things you over use. Then increase self-awareness. Then make sure you are doing good self-care. Then, once those first three are in place, you start assessing and adjusting relationships.
Connect Point:
Take some time and think about, where are the places that I find support and who are the people who provide support of my process? Maybe also think about the flip side. Where are the places and who are the people that do not support my process?
For more information or to contact Chad and Angela, go to their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com
Wednesday Sep 21, 2022
Wednesday Sep 21, 2022
Episode 7: Self-Care
Show Notes
First 5 minutes:
Intro- If we are going to consider healthy self-care, we need to consider something that engages our physical body and something that challenges our mind.
We’re discussing the nuts and bolts of recovery and how we get traction in our health and sobriety. This episode is all about self-care. Angela starts with her thoughts on self-care from her experience. During a time when she was trying to get healthy her sponsor asked her, are you eating healthy and sleeping well? As simple as those questions are, being a healthy human at its most basic level, is fueling and resting.
Another one is, am I exercising? What is self-care for Angela? Being able to disconnect from technology and to slow down and remove ourselves from work and stress is a start for good self-care.
Minutes 5-10:
What does it look like to take a little time for yourself? We often think we have to take care of everyone else first and also that we have to be productive. And self-care doesn’t have tangible measures. It doesn’t feel production. Angela overheard a quote about how intimacy is built around wasting time, and we don’t build into our schedules, wasted time.
We are not good at self-care. It is way easier to go to the other things. These 5 action steps build on each other. We have to remove access to things. We have to have awareness. And now we are adding to those two, we have to consider what it is like to tend to ourselves. We have to self-care. When we are unhealthy, we waste time and money. But then when we try to get healthy, somehow we lose track of the fact that some ‘wasted time’ is actually good for us.
Minutes 10-15:
What is my body asking for? What would feed my longing and give me a sense of relief. Chad likes bike riding. It is good for his soul. Can we have an awareness of what adds to our life and what brings us joy? There isn’t a self-care plan that is general and applies to everyone. It has to be specific and be something that you enjoy.
Angela shares story of her sponsor knowing her well enough to encourage her to do laundry and go for a run because those things are good self-care for her.
Minutes 15-20:
There are a few inherent ideas for self-care. Some form of physical activity is good for everyone. Getting your body involved is good everyone. Studies support this. Feeding your mind is another good option. Challenging your mind to learn something new. Ask yourself, “What can do that is fun, active and also challenges my mind?”
Some of the things that are not great to ‘do’, watching too much tv or playing video games. Try not to go to fantasy as self-care. Fantasy and escape doesn’t challenge your mind or your body.
Minutes 20-25:
It’s worth it to consider asking what you reward yourself with. If you use some of your vices as ways to celebrate, and you remove them, you can also lose celebration if you haven’t figured about another thing that is good for you in the place of the bad. Am I adding something? And then how do I give myself permission to self-care. You have to be aware of what is good for you.
Connect Point:
Ask yourself, what is one thing you can add to your life or do that you enjoy, that would have a healthy side effect for you, your family or those around you. First check in with yourself, then see if you can share it with your partner.
For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com