Connecting Couples

Healing From Past Wounds: Episode 6- Can You Talk About It?

Episode 6: Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Chad and Angela are bringing to you different areas where they have tension in our interactions and show you have to navigate the conversations. Both of us have experiences that are valid and deserve to be responded to, but when they push up against each other, who gets seen or heard? We’re trying to determine if some of these are “Raw Spots” or past wounds, or if they are something else.

 

T.E.M.P.: There is a Trigger, that brings an Emotion on line in our bodies, that activates a Meaning and moves us to Action. The topic that the Real Imhoffs discuss in this episode is ordering food at a restaurant.

 

Minutes 5-10:

Chad explains the process that happens for him when he orders food and it doesn’t come out to the expectation, and that makes him want to send the food back. Angela discusses the tension they experience because she has a different experience than he does that pushes against how he is going to respond.

 

A couple will often try to mitigate the problem without ever discussing it. Each person will make adjustments to how they have typically behaved and it hasn’t gone well, so each individual is trying to solve the problem on their own.

 

Minutes 10-15:

The goal for this is to be able to discuss patterns that are negative or that create tension and see if you can identify what is happening and can you solve the problem together to figure out what could make it better or different.

 

Can you identify what is going on and is it a raw spot or not? Are there any past experiences that could be influencing what is happening in the present? Angela discusses past experiences from childhood that trigger embarrassment and how those come on line when Chad wants to send food back.

 

Minutes 15-20:

Here is how you have the conversation- you have to be able to acknowledge that both Chad and Angela have valid experiences that deserve to been seen and responded to, but their experiences push up against each other and that is where the tension is.

 

Often a couple will just avoid these experiences where they can’t navigate the tension. Chad and Angela want couples to be able to have conversations about what is causing the tension and what they both need to show up for each other in these moments.

 

Connect Point:

We want you to consider how external expectations impact your internal conversations. Can the two of you how a conversation about what you both may need when external expectations did not get met and you might not see eye to eye on how to decrease the tension.

 

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Healing From Past Wounds: Episode 5- Does It Need To Change?

Episode 5: Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Chad and Angela have given a few clear examples of ‘Raw Spots’ that they had previously identified in their relationship, but now what to discuss how you know if it’s just a trigger or a little cycle, or if there is something deeper. Often times our past wounds can be around family rules or family patterns that shaped us over time but now longer work in our present relationship. Is this just an irritable day where we feel disconnected or is this something we need to unpack and shift?

 

Some of these family rules might even be why a couple connected in the first place, but now we can evaluate if some of those need to change. As a point of reference, it would be good to go back and listen to our series called “Staying Tuned In,” where we discuss how we send clear messages to each other when we are aligned and connected, but that sometimes we send a distorted messages and the confusion can send a couple into a cycle.

 

Minutes 5-10:

One of the ways you can unpack a past wound is to pay attention to the times when the messages that are being communicated are distorted or confusing to understand. The first point of possibly unpacking a past wound or past influence is to recognize when the messages between the two of you start to get distorted. Is one person sending a confusing message? Or is one person having a challenge understanding the message. If so, you might slow down there and recognize that something deeper is at play.

 

Chad and Angela bring up a family rule that is causing tension between then and they start to unpack what else might be at play. The rule is around the content of being sick, or unproductive, or resting. The rule might be, if you aren’t doing something that contributes value, then you are valuable.

 

Minutes 10-15:

A few examples are shared that start unpacking where this unwritten influence is at play. On vacations, it is important to get the most out of your time off. When Angela was pregnant, there was an underlying message during the second trimester, when she got sick and couldn’t do much, there was a deep down lie about feeling worthless if she wasn’t doing something.

 

One of the reasons Chad and Angela coupled and work well together is because they share a capacity to do a lot. They both share the same family rules around ‘doing’ and it has been a virtue- however- it is no longer working in their family- therefore they are trying to have a discussion about what is at play and how to change it.

 

Angela’s family of origin, modeled for her that there was always something to do. Even around play and rest- camping, fishing, traveling… there is work. There is packing and unpacking and cleaning up. Their experiences have allowed them to have full and productive experiences, but they are both discussing the need to slow down and rest more.

 

Minutes 15-20:

We need feedback in order to know how we are doing. Feedback from our community, our family, our friends, in our circles, we see how others do things and then ask ourselves if we need to adjust how we do it. Sometimes we find that our choices fit us and we like them- so we can decide to keep them. But sometimes we recognize that our way isn’t working anymore and seeing how others do things gives us permission consider adjusting it.

 

What are the rules and rhythms of your life? Do you like them? If you do great- healthy people have good rhythms? Can you change the things that aren’t working, or is there a reason that you are being held to a choice based on past influence?

 

Connect Point: Take a few minutes and consider if there are any things that you continue to do as a rhythm or a routine that you learned in your childhood that you continue to do now. Do you like these things? Or would you like to consider changing them and why. Have a conversation with your partner about making new rules around some of the choices that were influences by your past patterns.

 

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Healing From Past Wounds: Episode 4- A Link To The Past

Episode 4: Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Can you identify when these past wounds get triggered in a present interaction and the tie it back to something that happened in your past. This process happens in an order and needs to go slow. Don’t try to jump to the healing, if you can’t identify what is going on and what it is tied to. The good news is that we get to be the person who shows up in our partner’s pain and provide a secure attachment where healing can happen.

 

Once you’ve identified a “Raw Spot” or past wound that is showing up and influencing an reaction in your present, it doesn’t mean you never get triggered again, it only means that you’ve clarified what is happening and you can articulate it, share it with your partner and also get a response that has the potential to adjust your response.

 

Minutes 5-10:

You have to start with the questions; Do you want to change this? And are you ready to work on this right now? You have options and you get to decide if and when you want to engage this. What do you want to do with some of these responses that are emended in past wounds? If you want to change or adjust or at the very least, identify what is happening, then there is work to be done.

 

You have to be able to 1) Notice what is happening to me, 2) I know the story around the event or events that shaped the response, 3) I know where it came from and can feel the feelings associated with this trigger- I can identify the ingredients of the soup. Then I want to be able to do something different than the move that I have done in the past. You have to be able to recognize that I don’t like my move in this place, and I want to do some work so I can change my response. It’s vulnerable to do this.

 

The goal isn’t to get rid of all of these traits, but to have awareness and know what is happening and invite my partner into it so we can have a strategy around adjusting the response.

 

Minutes 10-15:

Chad tells a story about his heater going out in the middle of winter when he lived in Michigan in his 20s. The story he tells is about the messages that were reinforced around fixing things and how it is a benefit. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing that he has a response to broken things that he should try to fix them. However, he recently had a more negative response around something that wasn’t getting fixed and was out of his control. This past winter, the heater broke and Chad new what the problem was, but the part was on back-order with supply chain issues with not target date to resolve the issue.

 

When Angela asked Chad, “when is the heater going to get fixed?” It didn’t’ land like a question, it landed like an accusation that Chad was failing. They had to discuss the process and unpack the deeper messages that were influencing Chad’s response.

 

Minutes 15-20:

Angela’s response wasn’t great at first. At first she tried to talk him out of the feelings by saying, “you shouldn’t feel this way.” But then, she adjusted- and tried to explain that it wasn’t his fault and she could see it.

 

The person who gets triggered, has to be able to do the work- and the work is- self-reflection. This is what just happened to me and this is the trigger and the meaning I’ve assigned to it. Then, that person has to choose to let their partner it, then the partner has to responds in a way that is accepting and supportive.

 

Your response is valid- and it’s unfair that you have that experience and now your body responds in a negative way around that content, but it’s ok- we’re going to work through this together. We have a different dialogue around what is happening in those triggering moments.

 

Connect Point:

We want to you take some time and ask yourself- what is an area that I can acknowledge comes from my past, that can show up like a benefit to us most of the time, but that I can sometimes have a undesired response around. See if you can identify the good and the bad of it and share it with your partner.

 

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Healing From Past Wounds: Episode 3- Unexpected Responses

Episode 3: Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- The hard thing about “Raw Spots” is that first you have recognize that something is happening, then you have understand where it came from, and then, it would be good if you could share it with your partner so that you can get an accepting response. ALL HARD, especially when you’ve never done them before.

 

Angela sets up the story of her ‘Raw Spot’. When they had been dating for about 3 months, Chad bought Angela a necklace. He hoped that she would respond well, but the response was very unexpected.

 

Minutes 5-10:

Angela had a trigger and couldn’t identify what was going on- she turned on him and criticized that he bought her jewelry. They were left with the question, ‘What Just Happened?’. Thank you might have been a better response. The jewelry wasn’t over the top. It was nice. Looking at the situation now, it’s sad. Angela can see that her response was out of the ordinary. She had shame around her response and they decided to talk about it.

 

Angela realized her internal process when she gets a gift. In the process, Angela decided she needed to dig deeper and Chad was able to ask, “when else have you felt like this?” This ties the thing in the present to experiences that have happened in the past. Angela began to realize that her body feels a pressure or expectation around how to respond to the gifts. She also has felt it on behalf of other people at birthdays, baby showers, wedding showers, etc…

 

Once you recognize that there is a trigger, and you can identify the content where the trigger shows up, you can start to unpack or put words to the meaning that is assigned to the experience.

 

Minutes 10-15:

What are the ingredients of the soup? In that moment, we need to break down all the different feelings in the moment. For Angela- around gift giving, there is fear, expectation, needed gratitude, and other feelings that would shut her down.

 

Angela’s family of origin, often used gifts to do repairs, instead of words. Some of the meaning Angela applied to the gifts meant I couldn’t talk about my pain, or there would be no apology for the harsh words that preceded the gift.

 

The hardest or most unfair part about a raw spot is that Chad likes to give gifts. So something he likes to do is the very thing that causes me to feel pain. So in order to try and get some healing around this specific wound, we need to ask, “when is the first time you felt that (or had the soup)?” Can you identify some of the root experiences that really assigned the meaning to the trigger.

 

Angela clarified the specific feelings that are triggered are about the expectation she has to respond correctly to the gift.

 

Minutes 15-20:

Where this really started to be a bigger problem is when their daughter wanted to start giving Angela gifts. She had to really get some repair around the wound of receiving gifts so that her response could shift. It is unfair for Chad and for their daughter that Angela has a wound around receiving gifts.

 

First, you have to have a awareness that something from your past is at play. Then, a great question to ask is, where have I felt this before. If you can tie the thing happening in the present to another moment when you felt this same thing in the past, you can start to identify the ‘ingredients in the soup.”

 

It can be tricky because these raw spots are so personal, that often the partner has no understanding of the feelings or the meaning around the trigger. The thing that raw spots exposes is how different our experiences are around specific content.

 

Connect Point:

See if you can identify a raw spot or heightened trigger and first try to identify some of the ‘ingredients in the soup’ then ask yourself, ‘when have I felt this before’ to see if you can tie it back to a previous time this happened to you. Then, have a conversation with your partner and share your experiences with each other.

 

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Healing From Past Wounds: Episode 2- Where Have I Felt This Before?

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- We’re trying to bring forward the idea that you have residue from a past wound and your present relationship is triggering that pain and neither of you know that this cycle is based on meaning from past pain. It’s normal for us to react to pain this way. These aren’t even “big T traumas” but more a thing that happened over and over where you have developed a pattern of responses.

 

A friend helped me realize that I learned these responses from reoccurring events that I experienced from my family. Like how metal is bent. Over time, metal is heated up and tapped and heated up and tapped and heated up and tapped… and that is how metal is bent. It’s not one time, it’s a series of reoccurring events that teach us how to respond.

 

The Big T traumas are usually isolated events that our bodies can identify as events that need to be processed. But the little tones and rules and responses that we learn subtly are the things that can get bumped in our present relationship.

 

Minutes 5-10:

When these things show up in our present relationship- it is easy to blame the present interaction for the pain. But in reality, we get the opportunity to show up for our spouse and help them heal in these moments of distress. There is nobody that can help you frame how you see yourself better than your partner.

 

How we noticed a “raw spot” that Chad had. Angela would ask, “Did you feed the dogs?” Chad heard the question and had a reaction.

 

Minutes 10-15:

At this point- the first time we experienced this- we did not know why he was having the reaction. Several months later, it happened again. Angela asks, “Did you feed the dogs?” and Chad has a reaction that is bigger than the situation merits. We started to notice that there is patterned response- but we don’t know why.

 

Angela starts to try to adjust how she asks the question. Adjustments are being made to try to have a better interaction, but we still have not identified what is actually happening for Chad when Angela asks, “Did you feed the dogs?” A cycle is at play, adjustments are being made, and neither of the partners knows what is bring triggered.

 

Can you identify that a response is ‘out of the ordinary’ that might be triggering something from your past? Outside of the context of the situation we had a conversation about what was happening that brought up the question for Chad- “where have I felt this before?” It reminded Chad of being a kid and getting in trouble for not doing chores.

 

 

Minutes 15-20:

Even though we are now aware of what is coming up, it doesn’t mean he won’t get triggered again. It only means we have better awareness and now we want to help our partner find some healing around a wound or at least try to re-write the meaning around what the trigger is saying.

 

Connect Point:

In this connect point we want you to reflect on your family of origin. If you, let’s say, did not feed the dogs, or did not complete a chore, what was your family’s response to you getting it wrong.” See if you can identify your family’s response and share it with your partner.

 

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Healing From Past Wounds: Episode 1- How Wounds Show Up

Connection Couples Podcast: Healing Wounds from the Past Series
Episode 1: How Wounds Show Up

First 5 minutes:
Intro- How do would from our past show up in our present relationships. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, wrote a book called Hold Me Tight, where she discusses 7 conversations that she suggests couples need to have to stay securely connects. In the second conversation she discusses “raw spots”. These are wounds from our past that get bumped or exposed in our current relationship.
 
Have you ever bumped a bruise that you didn’t know you had and you ask yourself, “where did that bruise come from?” You don’t know it’s there until it gets bumped. This happens with our wounds also. Our partners can accidentally bump or expose unresolved pain from our past. They can be the person who seems to cause the pain in our present, but the reality is that they are bumping residue or unresolved pain from our past that never got responded to.

Past-relational distress disorder. PRDD?? When pain from our past is unresolved and un-responded to, our body brings it back up.

Minutes 5-10:
We get injured by relationships. Our body holds that pain. Then, in our closest, most intimate relationship- those places where are body was holding pain- show up. Our partner can touch parts of our identity more than anyone else can. Our strategy to survive that pain can often be to ‘wall it off’ or shut it down. But our partner is now closer to us than anyone else and we are building safety and security, so our body is now bringing up things that need healing.

Our present partner- when there is a secure connection- can help our bodies heal, in our present, from our past pain. The question is, how does this past pain show up? Often times we can blame what is happening in our present. It can be hard to tie it back to our past pain. This series will discuss how to identify those spots and how to ask your partner to respond to.

Minutes 10-15:
A few of the markers that let you know a past wound might be coming up. Have you ever been in a cycle (example- Chad slow blinks, Angela increases energy, and the cycle plays out), that escalates more quickly than a typical cycle- and it leaves you asking, “What just happened?” It’s fast and it feels more urgent than a normal interaction.

Or maybe there was not a cycle at play, but something happens, and now because of that ‘thing’ getting bumped you are in a cycle, but can’t identify why. There is a good possibility that neither one of you knew there was a there. We’ve used the acrostic TEMP before, but considering it… the raw spot or past pain is in the M- the meaning. The trigger brings up a feeling that reminds us of a past pain.

Example- Chad was playing basketball in junior high and sprains his ankle. He is told to ‘walk it off’. Chad learns that he doesn’t need to complain about pain.

Minutes 15-20:
Locking the pain down and pushing through worked in a junior high game, but doesn’t work in intimate relationships. This shows up in our present relationship- if (Angela) notices something is wrong, it is hard to bring up because she is bringing attention to pain that he (Chad) is trying to keep locked down. It’s hard for her to respond to him if the deeper message is that he is not allowed to talk about the pain.

Another example- when our daughter switched to real food, but wouldn’t finish all the food on her plate, Chad would sometimes eat off her plate and when he did- Angela reacted. The reaction was heightened and urgent and didn’t make sense for the content that was playing out. It was a past wound from before this relationship.

These first examples aren’t the worst injuries we’ve had. These are just a glimpse at a few content topics that have shown up in our relationship that are wounds from our past where we have assigned meaning and are now reacting in our present to something from our past.

Time does NOT heal all wounds. We want to be able to identify that a wound is there and discuss the meaning assigned to it and possibly have our partner respond to it. But first…

Connect Point: In this connect point we want to see if you can identify a small thing that shows up in your present relationship that might be tied to something from your past. See if you can recognize the meaning you assigned to it and then share it with your partner.

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 14- Responding to Pain

Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series

Episode 14: Responding to Pain

Show Notes

 

Intro & First 5 minutes:

Alternative Responses that come up for couples who have experienced addiction. Once there has been health and sobriety, things feel better, however, if we never go back and discuss and open up the pain, then the body holds onto it. Addiction ‘takes’ a lot from the person and from the relationship. It’s important to, when the couple is in a more stable place, go back and discuss the losses so they can grieve.

 

Early on when there are apologies and responses, anger and resentment tends to be some of the first emotions or feelings that present themselves. But once the anger is responded to and the trust is rebuilt, sadness and grief is what presents.

 

5-10 minutes:

The sadness can be new- when there has been so much anger and protection. People who struggle with addiction tend to go away from pain- so to consider now going into the pain with purpose is hard. The opposite of addiction isn’t only connection- it’s connection around pain, where the person has gone to other things for comfort.

 

We (Chad and Angela) are both people who tend to outperform our pain. This concept is hard for us. Asking our partner to sit with us in pain is hard enough as it is. It’s even harder when the pain has been caused by our partner’s behaviors.

 

10-15 minutes:

Your ability to enjoy life and relationships is directly related to your ability to grieve and go through loss. If not, you wall off so many parts of yourself you feel isolated and disconnected. The parts are- be sad for it and experience it, but then also be able to put it down.

 

Honoring what it is that your body is trying to say when the pain comes up is what we are trying to acknowledge. A person who is in relationship with someone who struggles with addiction has mistrust and is holding pain from it that has never been acknowledged or responded to because it’s never been the right time. Couples that can bring up the pain, share it and discuss it, and grieve together, sure up their relationship in remarkable ways.

 

15-20 minutes:

It’s a hard thing to go into, but if you can ask, “what have we lost due to addiction?” You can break it down practically and write down time, dollar amount of what the addiction costed, but then also try to consider the emotional impact… that it has cost joy and connection that takes a long time to rebuild.

 

Pain is the emotion we are focusing on, but anger, shame, resentment and more are going to be pretty close to this pain and you should expect for them to show up too. Anger and shame are emotions that are very normal to experience in this process.

 

You might need help navigating this. A therapist. A Sponsor. Someone or a couple who has been through this and understands.

 

Connect Point:

In this connect point we want you to consider how you respond to pain and then share that with your partner. In order for our partner to be able to respond to our pain, it is important for them to understand our habits around pain. Take a few minutes to see if you can share with your partner some of the ways you respond to pain and disappointment.

 

To find out how to connect with Chad and Angela, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 13- Relapse

Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series

Episode 13: Relapse

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Relapse is part of the process. What happens in your relationship when the ‘addicted’ person relapses? Does it mean you are back at square one? Addiction and coping strategies are fluid, meaning periods and seasons of health and wellness tend to fluctuate. We can be healthy for a while, then get triggered and fall back into old patterns. It doesn’t mean we are back at zero.

 

Minutes 5-10:

Our bodies hold and remember how painful ‘square one’ was, which is why relapse can trigger feelings of those old pains. Our brains go back to the pain that the earlier interactions caused. One of the signs that you aren’t at square one is that your awareness of the process is already more advanced than where you used to be.

 

Relapse doesn’t have to mean going all the way back into the habit the way it used to be used. It can mean just leaning back on old habits during a time of trigger or stress. This can often add shame into the awareness process, which tends to perpetuate the habit. It’s important to make the distinction, is it a ‘relapse’ is it a ‘slip up’… what is the narrative around ‘usage’?

 

Sometimes asking a few deeper questions can reveal the differences from the former usage to the current behavior of resorting back to it.

 

Minutes 10-15:

3 or things to look for around relapse. 1. Did the person who went back to the habit know that they didn’t want to do it. Is there an awareness. 2. Did they come forward and share their mistake- versus getting caught. 3. How long did they stay back in the former habit? Relapse, like addiction- is a continuum.

 

The key is to pay attention to what part of the structures you put into place areas that still need work. Community, accountability, access to things… there might be areas that need to be sured up- and a slip up or relapse will reveal where those weaknesses are.

 

Trust is still being built in the newness of the health and both partners are only just learning the new ways to build security.

 

Minutes 15-20:

There is a benefit to analyzing a relapse. Where did the disconnect happen and how can you adjust moving forward. If you can zoom out and look at the process- the relapse or the triggers and challenges, you’ll be confronted by are predictable. It’s easy to slip out of the new routines when the newness wares off.

 

When new trusts are being built, and someone messes up, it is easy to go to blame and forget that there is an interaction happening between two people. The cycle is at play even in the new choices.

Affirming again that a relapse doesn’t put you back to square one- because you should have lots of new resources to turn to.

 

Connect Point:

In this connect point we want you to do- take a few minutes and assess the support and structures you have put into place to help you feel secure in your recovery. Then share it with your partner.

 

To read more about what Chad and Angela Imhoff are doing, check out www.therealimhoffs.com