Connecting Couples

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 4- The Process of Change

First 5 minutes:
Intro- Inaction doesn’t work in recovery. You have to have Action. You have to do something healthy or it leaves a vacuum that will possibly be filled with the wrong things.

Now that we’ve acknowledged how hard it is for someone to just stop an excessive habit, let’s discuss what the process of addiction looks like. There are two researchers, Prochaska and DiClemente, who came up with a framework for the process. The first stage of the process is Pre-contemplation.

A quick disclaimer that we are coming from the understanding that we are talking to both people at the same time. An individual conversation with an ‘addict’ or an individual conversation with the loved one of an ‘addict’ will look different based on their level of awareness of their own process.
 
Minutes 5-10:
The 6 stages are: Pre-contemplation. Contemplation. Preparation. Action. Maintenance. Relapse. Both sides of the relationship could be in one of these stages- in other words, the partner to the ‘addict’ could be in contemplation or preparation stage, trying to get traction, but the person with the dependence might not even realize it.
 
You don’t really know there is a problem, until you try something and it’s harder to change than you though it would be. An example is the food and health issues that Chad and Angela are adjusting. We wouldn’t have been able to acknowledge that there was a problem, expect that we have tried to change things and failed multiple times.

Minutes 10-15:
Some problems are visible on the outside. Being overweight or getting a DWI makes a problem more obvious. Sometimes you can recognize you need to change and you can put yourself in the Preparation and Action stages. Other times something happens that makes you change and you are forced into an action step.

Before you can change, you have to have a plan. Preparation is an important part of the process of recovery. Once you have a plan, you have to move to the Action stage. Action is not Maintenance. In the Action stage you can’t be caught up with results, it is only designed to start changing things.

Minutes 15-20:
Once there has been consistency in the Action Stage, there can be goals set for maintenance. There is a distinction between Action and Inaction. Recovery is more than just not doing something. There must be doing.

Within the Action Stage there is another cycle that shows up. Could be triggered by a life stressors or some other trigger that pushes a person back into their habit. When they relapse, the cycle looks like this: There is shame and guilt for using again once they had committed to stop. There is repentance and regret which leads to swearing off the habit again. The person ‘sobers’ up and stops for a while and can have some time in success… until another trigger hits and then it starts over again.

Minutes 20-25:
Inaction does not work in recovery. It’s not only about NOT doing the behavior or substance. Recovery requires ACTION steps. Doing healthy things that respond to the underlying pain.

Connect Point: Take a few minutes and instead of identifying things you don’t want to do (inaction), consider a few things that you could do that would be healthy or beneficial to you. 

To know more about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 3- Habits

Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series
Episode 3: Habits

First 5 minutes:
Intro- It’s hard to just quick because we have to rewire our brains. Quitting an addiction doesn’t give us practice around engaging in our relationships in a way that’s comforting.

Moving the definitions and qualifiers out of the way, lets discuss why we can’t just stop our bad habits! When we have turned to something over and over again for relief it is much hard to just quit that wanting to. Starting new ‘good’ habits is hard too. We have to replace our negative habits with something that takes up as much time or weight in our lives. If not, there is a void.

If we gave a fraction of the amount of energy to our health as we have to our unhealthy, we’d be healthier. Some of our bad habits have become such reliable patterns that it’s hard to just remove them from our day to day activity- because it’s been built in.

Minutes 5-10:
Some of the unhealthy addiction we’ve adopted, build pathways into our brain that becomes something we rely on. Awareness is still the first start to being healthy. We can often be using ‘healthy’ habits in a way that makes us look efficient on the outside, but we are still unaware what we are ‘using’ those habits for. Can we acknowledge our internal anxiety or negative feelings that we are using those positive behaviors for?
 
We want to start discussing what the behavior is satisfying. As a baby, we cry out and get responded to. As we grow, we learn what we get responded to and what we need to hold back or self-sooth. We are designed to connect, but we are trained to become self-reliant.

Minutes 10-15:
Our daughter used a pacifier to sooth herself in distress. When we weaned her off, we had to discuss different ways to comfort herself in a healthy way, and turning to mom and dad isn’t always available.

Instead of a partner saying, “I need you to stop drinking so much,” what might it look like to say, “I notice that you turn to drinking lot, and I wonder what I might be able to do so you could turn to me for comfort instead of drinking.” YIKES, that’s hard to consider. In order for this to work, there would have to be acute awareness and availability around the need for comfort.

I (Angela), recall my mom complimenting me on being a hard worker. It was a virtue to her that our family of origin goes to work as a form of comfort. Our family rule, if you can do something productive with your discomfort, then at least you’ll have a positive result from the negative feeling.

Minutes 15-20:
This isn’t about blaming our parents for what we know and have learned. This is about trying to identify what we learned to do when we need comfort. Then maybe we can start to shift what we go to for comfort because we can at the very least recognize that comfort is needed.

It is not only the present of bad things that created the need for comfort, but also the absence of good. If we did not get taught how to comfort ourselves in a healthy, positive way, we will learn to use what we can. We have it in us to want and desire comfort from another human, but we have found other ways to exist. In order to stop the ‘other’ ways, we have to work on how we connect. Hugs are not the same as cocaine, so we have to learn how to get the comfort we need.

Minutes 20-25:
People who come from a family where addiction is present often have a language that includes the process of sobriety. But a family that doesn’t have the presence of addiction, often has a hard time even identifying that there is a problem with getting comfort from each other.
 
The sad truth about addicts, that they are often in systems where all of the efforts to help them stop are actually only perpetuating the negative habits. Both sides of this negative cycle are just as hopeless. One side relies on performance and striving and the other leans on substance or negative behaviors and both sides miss that we need each other in those places.

Connect Point: In trying to identify what we learned, what did you see people in your family of origin do with their pain? What did they go to or do to manage their discomfort?

To learn more about Chad and Angela and why they care so much about this topic, go to their website: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 2- Basic Terms

Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series
Episode 2: Basic Terms
 
First 5 minutes:
Intro- This is the way people have learned to cope, and now it is running their life and stealing from what they cherish most. 

Breaking down specific terms. People can have a big reaction to a word based on what they believe it means and often there is a misunderstanding around some of the words associated with addiction. Starting off with what would merit the use of the word Addiction. Where is the line drawn between, using something to being addicted?

Clinically, people don’t use the word “addiction”. But outside of a clinical setting, people use and label someone an addict- as a person who can’t give something up.
 
Dependence. Abuse. Use. Are the 3 terms that would best describe a person’s connection to a coping behavior or substance.

Minutes 5-10:
You might ask, do you have a negative side effect if you stop ‘using’.
Dependence is the highest level, where someone has a negative affect if they don’t use it.
Abuse is the middle level, where there isn’t a dependence, but whenever I do use it, I over use it. Abuse doesn’t have a negative side effect when you stop, but it does have an effect when you do use it.

The flip side of these 2; “There is a negative outcome when I use” … is Abuse. “There is a negative outcome when I stop using” … is Dependent. When the level of use is required to feel ok and if I try to stop there are withdraws, or a negative outcome (anxiety, physical pain, etc...)

Minutes 10-15:
A person who is dependent on something is using almost daily. A person who is abusing something is using it occasionally, but using too much when they do. “Use” is in moderation but there is still an ability to stop or not overuse it.

You might have a problem if… someone in your life tells you there is a problem, or you might have enough insight to realize you are overusing something. When something happens in your life that makes you consider that you might be using something to the point that it is out of balance. In the abuse stage- other people in your life will tend to notice first. In the dependent stage, you might know, but just don’t know how to get out of it.

Co-dependency. A word that is used to describe some of the behaviors of the person in a relationship with or the loved one to the addicted person. 

Minutes 15-20:
If you are a partner of the addict, there is already a pattern or cycle at play- in pursue and withdraw fashion- that is possibly perpetuating whatever the addition is. There are shifts that the loved one of the addict can learn and make that will help. It’s never only the addiction that is the problem.

The addictive behavior always serves a function. Most of the time the use of the behavior or substance is born out of a need. It is a strategy that provides relief, but it now hurting your life. The disclaimer- we want to make sure the victim of addiction doesn’t feel blamed or targeted. We want to give you the tools you need to come along side your addict in a way that is effective.
 
Minutes 20-25:
The partner of the addict… you love your person. Even though they are making bad choices, using, hurting you and your family, etc… you also love their dearly and want to help them. You see their potential and want to fight for them. You hold so much HOPE for the relationship. It is So hard to be the partner of someone who is struggling with abuse or dependence.

Here is a list of things that can fall into an unhealthy pattern: drugs, alcohol, pornography, workaholic, validation and escape, busyness- overbooked schedule, social media, exercise, books, movies and television, streaming platforms- Netflix, Prime, control,  etc…. All of these can be tied back to what we all long for- to connect in distress.

Connect Point: Consider the list we mentioned and ask yourself is there is anything that you are overusing, abusing or even dependent on. Step one is identify your own thing. Step two, if you can, bring it to your partner. 

For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out www.therealimhoffs.com

 

 

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 1- Comfort and Coping

Episode 1: Comfort and Coping Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Where do I go when it hurts? We hesitated on titling this series “Addiction” because people have so many different ideas and experiences around ‘addiction’ that it isn’t an easy word. So, we’ll start with the definition.

 

Even if you don’t have what you would call an ‘addiction’, it is worth it to consider what you go to for comfort. You might not be an addict of anything, but what might be getting in the way of you connecting with your partner in areas of pain and insecurity?

 

Addiction- anything we’ve turned to (substance or behavior) that we’ve used to cope with the world to provide comfort or relief from the stress of everyday life. Can you identify that you even use ‘it’ for comfort?

 

Minutes 5-10:

Generally, people don’t start by saying, ‘I’m going to become an addict.’ All of these vices start small and with the longing to meet a need. Addiction definition- pattern of behavior or a substance (something you are doing or turning to), that at some point provided comfort, but then got to a point where it was no longer beneficial.

 

Angela gives the example of taking Advil and Sleep Aid to help her sleep a few times, but then it turned into more frequency. Then it became something she couldn’t sleep without. The beginning plan wasn’t that she was going to go to having to take something indefinitely to help her sleep.

 

Can you start to think about… If it’s a hard day, what you turn to for relief or comfort? Can you consider what you might be using to help you cope or meet a need that is a response to pain? A good indicator that something might be shifting into an unhealthy place is that you have shifted from a place where it was helping, but now you can’t get by without it.

 

Minutes 10-15:

Nobody starts out with the hope to become dependent on a substance. Nobody starts with the most excessive use of a behavior or substance. Everyone starts with… mild or moderate use to help comfort or relieve pain or a problem. We hardwire into our brains that the temporary fix is now the thing that meets the need and we lose sight of what the need was.

 

The struggles you are in make sense and we aren’t trying to give anyone a hard time for the fact that you found a coping strategy, and that the thing you found is now hurting you. We have to back up for a minute and try to identify what I go to for comfort.

 

The very basic thing a baby does is to call out (cry) as a way to get responded to. Somewhere along the way, we learn what we can ask for comfort for and what might not get responded to and we have to find our own ways to get comfort. We’ve learned patterns of pain responses.

 

Minutes 15-20:

We are a culture that tries to live comfortably. Comfort is something we build into our lives. When there is pain or discomfort, our adaptive strategy is to find something to ease the discomfort. Where do I go (what do I turn to) when it’s too much? Too much pain. Too much anxiety.

 

We are a consumptive culture and we are continually exposed to the idea that we should be comfortable. We are disconnected from each other and from connection and we are using lots of things to comfort the void we feel in disconnection.

 

Connect Point: Ask yourself, when I feel overwhelmed (when life has been too much), what do I turn to for comfort? Try to consider what you go to outside of your relationship. Identify when I need comfort and what is the thing I tend to turn to for the comfort I long for?

 

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Pursuers and Withdrawers: Episode 10- Why This Is So Hard

Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 
 Episode 10: Why This Is So Hard
 
First 5 minutes:
Wrapping up this series and tying all the pieces together. Getting both sides, the Pursuers and the Withdrawers to recognize they both get hijacked by a deeper thing that is at play. Quick recap of TEMP.  This acrostic created by EFT Therapist George Faller describes the Appraisal Theory, which is how our body processes emotion. TEMP is- TRIGGER is something I notice that sends my body a message that our connection is being threatened. Then I feel an EMOTION that picks up the threat and tells my body there is something wrong “uh-oh”. My body sends the signal to my brain where I start to assign MEANING to what I am seeing and feeling. And then I do a cued response that is my PROTECTIVE Strategy that is the thing my body feels will keep me and/or our relationship safe.

All of these responsive behaviors are based on our attachment to each other which is learned based on our attachment strategies from our past experiences.

Minutes 5-10:
The strategies that our bodies naturally do when we get a threat message that our connection is at risk- were learned from our development. Over time, we learned these strategies as our way to maintain connection. We all need connection to survive- we are ‘pack animals’ and rely on each other for safety and connection. If something happens within us that we pick up as a possible cue that we could get rejected or abandoned, then our connection is being threatened and we do the thing we’ve learned will keep us connected.
 
Mis-messages from our culture when we hear ‘you don’t need anyone’. This is false. We all need connection. We see this in our 12-step programs that are linear and send the message that they need to get healing ‘on their own’. What a person does when they can’t get connection within their system, is they go and find connection in another system that is more safe then the one they had to leave or where they were not finding.
 
Minutes 10-15:
We all long for acceptance and to be seen. We need to be able to find connection in our hardest and darkest places where we don’t really like ourselves. It is vital for us to connect. In isolation, all the bad feelings grow- anxiety, depression, etc… we are not meant to be alone with our experiences. We are designed to share experiences.
 
Internally we long for acceptance and for someone to be present with us. Brene Brown says, rarely does a response solve the problem. Connection and presence is what we need in distress. We want couples to be able to access our deeper feelings and our deeper fears. Often for a Withdrawer it’s that they will be found flawed and rejected. Often for Pursuers its, that they are inadequate and that cues a lot of emotion, and if they are too much they will be left. Sue Johnson- co-founder of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) asks, “What is your catastrophic fear?”
 
Minutes 15-20:
The whole reason we have Pursers and Withdrawers is because that’s how we learned to cope. This is why it’s so important that we learn how to get clear about what is hurting so we can tell our partners that we need them in these places where we feel insecure. We can’t let our partners in to the places we haven’t taken the time to consider.

Acceptance of ourselves cannot ever make us feel secure. We need acceptance from others- specifically our partners, in order to feel secure. This is so hard because everything in our lives tells us NOT to bring these negative and hard things forward. We all long to be accepted in the hard places. Broken and Loved. It’s what we need. Isolation doesn’t allow us to get the feedback we need to know if we are doing ok.

Minutes 20-25:
We need others. If we don’t acknowledge our need for others, we miss the very thing, the only thing that can bring us the security we long for. It’s not only about stopping the cycle, it is more about being able to bring our fears and longing forward and for our partner to respond with acceptance in the places where we are afraid.
 
Connect Point: Broken and Loved. If you haven’t ever identified TEMP (Trigger, Emotion, Meaning and Protective Action), start with that. But once you have identified your process, we want you to try to discuss your deeper “catastrophic fear”. Can you identify what you are ultimate afraid of if everything goes wrong, and can you share it with your partner. Partners, only say, ‘Thank you for sharing’.
 
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Pursuers and Withdrawers: Episode 9- What Withdrawers Can Do

Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 
Episode 9: What Withdrawers Can Do

First 5 minutes:
What do Pursuers need in distress? First- we are making an assumption that we are already de-escalated. De-escalated couples don’t get into as intense of fights and that we can do a repair when there is a disconnection. Both sides are engaged and working toward connection.

Pursuers will need to slow down their own process to the point of being able to identify what they need in those distressing moments, and then also be able to articulate to their partners what those needs are.

Minutes 5-10:
It’s easier for a withdrawer to come alongside their pursuer when the withdrawer is not the ‘problem’- the example given was distress caused by an external factor. Withdrawers who are ‘causing’ the distress or adding to the distress, can get blamed and then can get defensive. It makes it harder.

If you can ‘dodge the bullet’ and instead of believing you are being attached, start to see your Pursuer in distress who needs your help- you can shift the interaction. “I know I’ve let you down, and I am sorry I have, I am here with you and I want to understand.”

Minutes 10-15:
If slows the cycle down enough for the Pursuer to actual, consider what might be going on underneath the surface energy. We’re not asking Withdrawers to lie or to own something that isn’t accurate. To capitulate doesn’t really help or create connection.

If withdrawers can “disconnect from the accusation” and instead acknowledge your partner’s distress. Let the Pursuer know that you really want to understand what is happening emotionally. It is really hard for a Pursuer to take in the offer of understanding because this is a new move. 

Minutes 15-20:
It’s hard not to shift how we interact with others once we learn these new moves. With our daughter Avery, when she is distressed, we respond in a different way now. Pursuers can be fighting so hard to be heard that the content gets lost. For a withdrawer to stay and try to hear is already better then when they are left alone feeling unheard.

When a withdrawer stays, a Pursuer feels like they are worth the risk. It is hard for a Pursuer to start to accept that they might be using control or systems or managing their partner in order to actually help them feel better internally (to manage internal anxiety).

Minutes 20-25:
If a Pursuers fear is that they will be abandoned for being ‘too much’- it is hard for them to talk about the energy that we feel might be too much. Pursuers are carrying a lot of responsibility in their efforts to make everything better. But then their heart gets missed. Pursuers feel they are unlovable when everything is falling apart, therefore they spend a lot of energy holding it all together for themselves and for others.

Connect Point: Withdrawers consider, of the things we’ve brought up in this episode, what could I do that might be a different move for my Pursuer and then share it. Pursuers, consider what your Withdrawers is saying they might be able to do and consider how you might be able to take it in or what you might need.

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Pursuers and Withdrawers: Episode 8- What Pursuers Can Do

Episode 8: What Pursuers Can Do

First 5 minutes:
There is an order to growth. First, you have to be aware something is happening. Then you have to be able to recognize that you and your partner both ‘do’ things in the distress and identify what your trends are. After awareness around those things is present, you start to have an opportunity to slow the process down and adjust your moves. In these next 2 episodes we want to break down a pro-active move around supporting and comforting your partner in their distress. 2 things have to be present for this to work; 1. Your partner has to be able to let you in on what they need and 2. You have to be de-escalated enough that you can set your own immediate distress aside so you can comfort your partner.

Minutes 5-10:
Have you ever noticed that your partner’s move is actually making the situation worse? Angela noticed that Chad was doing something that increased her distress and in that moment realized that she does that to Chad often- make is worse not better. As Pursers, we often want to coach or fix or solve the problem of the withdrawer, but sadly, in the cycle, doing that only confirms their worst fear- that they are inadequate or don’t have the answers. Showing up for our Withdrawers actually means listening, validating and asking them what they need from us- instead of us offering what we think they need.

It is counterintuitive to not solve a problem that is presented. Pursuers have to be intentional about setting that urge aside and instead appreciate that our Withdrawers are letting us in to their process.

Minutes 10-15:
Often the ‘answer’ to the problem isn’t an answer at all- it’s being present that makes an impact. A withdrawer’s fears are around failure and getting in wrong, and because they didn’t have the right answer they will be rejected. So even if the Pursuer solves the immediate problem, what is also does is confirm the lack the withdrawer has for not having the answer and it will possibly cause them to withdrawer those inadequate feelings even more.

Pursuers do better if they come alongside their Withdrawers and still accept them and appreciate them while they are still in the process. Pursuers have to be aware of what happens for us when we feel helpless or feel like things are slipping into an ambiguous place. Withdrawers have to be willing to let their Pursuers be in this process also. These are new moves for BOTH sides.

Minutes 15-20:
All of this growth starts with awareness and at each new level, there needs to be a new awareness. Once you get to a place where you are de-escalated as an individual, and de-escalated as a pursuer, then, can you now start to consider what would comfort and support you in distress and then share that with your partner so they can consider what it would look like to provide it.

If Pursuers can show up like a teammate in their partner’s process and not like the coach, it will naturally shift the withdrawer’s guard and the probability they will let us come alongside them is higher. All of these responses happen fast and take practice and grace as we learn them.

Minutes 20-25:
Withdrawers might be hesitant to ask for help because of their experience of being criticized when they do. Our goal as a pursuer is to adjust what they have typically gotten and make it safe for them to not have all the answers. Asking for help for a withdrawer is almost like admitting failure, and they need to know that they are stilled loved and accepted in those places. Pursuers can work on acknowledge the effort instead of criticizing the behaviors.

Connect Point: Withdrawers, can you consider what your Pursuer can do to support or comfort you in your time of distress or in the not knowing? And Pursers, can you consider what it would look like to try and do what your partner is asking?

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Pursuers and Withdrawers: Episode 7- De-Escalated Withdrawers

Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 
Episode 7: De-Escalated Withdrawers

First 5 minutes:
Escalation for a withdrawer doesn’t mean heighten energy and big emotion. What escalation means is that the strategies (of both sides) are in full play. An escalated Withdrawer is one who is really avoidant and disengaged. So an ‘de-escalated’ withdrawer is a little bit more engaged and aware of what is going on in the cycle. When a withdrawer can start to see how their humor or placating or avoidance affects their pursuer, they are less escalated then when the strategy hijacks them outside of their awareness.

Small little moves make a big difference. If a withdrawer can start to ask themselves, “what do I feel in these moments when I am drawn to go away”, you’ll start to put words to the process.

Minutes 5-10:
“I don’t know what to do, but I am learning that to stay is better for you.” Leaving is often how withdrawers regulate what feels like it’s getting out of control, but the pursuer often feels left alone in the chaos. This move is counterintuitive because staying could make the interaction feel escalated, when in reality, it’s a more conning move.

Staying in the room or staying in the interaction gives the best chance at co-regulation. Pumping the breaks on the cycle for a withdrawer is to try to hang in there in what feels like a hard conversation with your partner.

Minutes 10-15:
A de-escalated withdrawer can have an awareness of the process and then also stay in the room. They must first re-engage themselves, and then once they have more awareness, they bring that awareness into the relationship.

An engaged withdrawer can also bring their own distress to their partner. They can (make attempts to) bring their experience to their partner in order to get a response. Pursers then need to be able to: Listen, empathize and be with it, not coach it or fix it etc…. A de-escalated couple can keep the focus on the presenting distress (partner won’t feel the need to hijack the conversation with their response).

Minutes 15-20:
Failure is what withdrawers are trying to avoid, and staying in the room feels risky, yet, if you never try there is no way to be seen in the lonely, hard, distress. The ‘new move’ is to slow down and try something different… to try NOT to leave the partner in their distress and chaos.

The time it takes is a process. First you’ll be able to do a repair after the fight. You won’t be able to do all these moves right away. There will be little adjustments to the engagement. Once you get some reps on the repair, you’ll have a better chance at slowing down in the moment. There will be a risk. But there will also be a reward.

Minutes 20-25:
These moves will feel less awkward over time when you get used to them. The goal isn’t to make a withdrawer to become a pursuer or stop being a withdrawer, we’ll only shooting for a little more engagement.

Connect Point: If the withdrawer were to try a new move, what would that feel like for the purser. Can you discuss how you think it would play out if your cycle was shifted by a new strategy brought forward by the withdrawer.

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com