Connecting Couples

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 12- Recap and Resources

Episode 12: Recap and Resources

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- In order to navigate these hard places, we often need a guide. We need help. We encourage you find resources and use them so that you can start to adjust the very strategies you needed when you were in an unhealthy place.

 

In this final episode of this series we are going to do a recap and offer resources. You might have tuned into this because someone told you to or because you wanted insight on your specific issue, but we may have missed it, because it’s impossible to cover all the outliers and nuances of this topic.

 

Often times people talk about what you need to STOP doing when it comes to an addiction, but we want to emphasize what TO DO. These five things help you get healthy and stay healthy.

1. Set safe guards in your life the remove the item you struggle with. Try to put some distance between you and your temptations.

2. Try to have self-awareness around some of your triggers and experiences are. Learning what is causing you to want the thing and what you think that thing will offer can help you make the adjustments you need.

3. What does it look like to self-care? Do you know what brings you joy and helps you feel well? Often it can be something that gets you moving or something that stimulates your brain.

 

Minutes 5-10:

4. Relationships is the fourth thing to consider. Its more than just a person. It is more of a community or group of people who understand my process and knows me.

5. The last one is knowing your story. Being able to embrace our own process, maybe even doing an inventory.

 

We’re reflecting on the scaffolding that the addict can put in place to become healthier, but we also want to reiterate the impact of a healthy attached partner. It’s not a goal for the partner to be the accountability partner of the addict, but we do encourage you to consider the strategies you developed during the addiction that you might need to shift in this healthier season.

 

We encourage both individual and couple’s therapy to discuss some of the long term consequences and damage that might need to be repaired. Addiction is the opposite of connection. To really start to shift the cycle of addiction, you need to consider going toward the places that need to be responded to and cared for. We not only get health around the ‘thing’, but we also build a healthier connection in our relationship.

 

We believe that even the hardest scenarios overcome and find healing and health.

 

Minutes 10-15:

We have hope for you, whatever process you are in. There is a way to replace disconnection and addiction with repair and connection. There is a way to find new community and new habits and a new way of living. Our culture tells us so many of the wrong things will satisfy us, but we have to have hope from something else.

 

We believe that there is hope in God, but we also have hope that someone is going to show up for us, even if we have never experienced that. If you can’t show up for your partner because there has been too much damage, we encourage you to get help. If you can clarify what the pain is and get responded to by a therapist or support group, then you can possibly consider starting to take that pain to your partner, and being there to respond to your partner’s pain.

 

A few of the resources that we’ve already mentioned and want to reiterate: Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and of the secular anonymous groups. Celebrate Recovery, is a faith based 12-step program that covers all the issues and is available nationwide also. You can check out www.celebraterecovery.com for a location near you.

 

We also recommend that if you get into therapy, that you see an Emotionally Focused Therapist. You can go do the website: www.iceeft.com to find an EFT therapist near you.

   

Connect Point:

In this connect point we want you to consider, what is the next step you need to take to be a healthier person?

 

To learn more about Chad and Angela and what they do, check out www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 11- The Partner of Addiction

Episode 11: The Partner of Addiction

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Now that your partner has a stretch of sobriety, the partner of the addict has to adjust the tendencies of control and over managing- that were required when the addict was using- but that are now not helpful for the relationship.

 

Diving in to the other side of addiction, looking at the partner of someone who has had an addiction. The first thing we notice is just how hard the person is working to maintain balance in the home. The partner of the addict often is the one picking up all the slack to make sure everything runs ok AND in all that doesn’t give up on the relationship.

 

Things like- create activities to keep the kids busy to they don’t feel the lack, continually checking the bank accounts to make sure they have security, over managing schedules and plans to try and mitigate any misses, etc… The reason this is hard is because the partner is doing SOOO much to help that it is completely unfair to imply that their behaviors are now part of the addictive cycle.

 

Minutes 5-10:

In order to maintain everything, the partner has to manage so much, and can’t rely on the addict, and now that there is a stretch of sobriety and health, you have to release some of the things that you had to take on. Just like the addict has to learn to replace the bad choices with healthy ones, the partner to the addict has to consider replacing some of the controlling tendencies with something else that is healthier for the relationship.

 

There are some deeper questions worth considering when you are the partner of a person who struggled with addiction. One question to consider is… what about me chose a person who chose addiction. It is easier to blame the addict for the being the problem then to consider how my responses or behaviors might be contributing to the problem.

 

Minutes 10-15:

We cannot say enough that this is hard to hear, hard to consider, hard to take in, hard to believe. It is good to acknowledge that the partner’s behaviors to keep everything going were needed to keep everything going, but now things have to shift.

 

Here are some practical action steps that the partner can consider. The first is awareness. Self-awareness and self-care are important for the partner to have regardless of the addict choices. Several series ago we talked about how the wounded or hurt partner needs to be able to distill down their pain, then share it in a way that the partner can respond to.

 

It’s a hard shift to for the partner to start to see the former addict as a resource versus a liability. The more we can clarify our internal messages the more likely we can get the response we need.

 

Minutes 15-20:

For these injuries that happened in the height of the unhealthy behavior, both partners have to realize that there was no way to address it in the moment. The partner was only surviving the addict’s choices. Now that they have sobriety and awareness, there is an opportunity to build security where there were gaping wounds and pain. It’s nearly impossible. Because your partner has failed you in your past, you have built rigid systems that have not failed you, and now we’re asking you to consider putting aside the thing that has not failed you, and try to rely on the thing that has failed you. We understand this is unfair and also really difficult.

 

However, if we continue to behave as though our partner is still unhealthy, even though there has been evidence that suggests they are healthier, chances are we will not be able to embrace the change and therefore actually be pushing against it.

 

Specifically, in regard to pornography, it isn’t only that the addictive behavior sends a message that the addict is not ok, but also might imply internally to the partner that maybe they aren’t enough or aren’t good enough. It pushes on the partner ‘view of self’.

 

Minutes 20-25:

In this process we are asking the partner to step into their pain and their experience when their partner was in the addiction and try to articulate it in a way that a repair can be made. Can you try to bring forward how your addicted partner’s behaviors impacted your identity and your view of yourself. 

 

In the last episode we tried to nail down the impact the addict’s choices had on their partner. In this episode we are trying to allow the partner to get that pain responded to. We want to build security where there is insecurity. This is part of the maintenance of healthy living. Going back and repairing where damage was done. Digging up places where the partner’s body still has mistrust that we want to repair and replace with security.

 

Connect Point:

Take a few minutes and try to distill and think about when the struggle was still active. Can you get more clear around what impacted you the most and what some of your internal messages you were believing about yourself in those places.

 

For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 10- Attachment Injuries

Episode 10: Attachment Injuries

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- We have to go back, not to say I’m sorry, but to say that I recognize that damage I’ve caused has left a lasting impact and I hate that impact and want to make up for it.

 

Still talking about addiction and how it impacts relationships. Trying to provide a framework for understanding addition more and the long term impact it has on both partners. In this episode we’ll be discuss the long term damage that the addictive behavior caused and how important it is to go back and repair where there was damage done.

 

Scenario- year three of sobriety after ten years of not drinking. Things have been going well, but the relationship still doesn’t feel as connected it could. On a random day, the addict comes home late and the partner freaks out. The partner is panicking because of the damage done in the ten hard, bad years, even though there has been three good years.

 

Minutes 5-10:

The partner who did the damage has to be able to acknowledge that even though there has been several good years and sobriety, there is still residue from the past that the partners body is holding onto. At the time the damage was being done- in real time- no one had the wherewithal to recognize the damage. Then, there were years working on sobriety and getting healthy, but also no attention was given to the pain caused in the bad years.

 

At some point, the couple needs to go back and acknowledge the pain that was caused and repairs and amends need to be made, so that the partners body and start to have more assurance in the places of mistrust. It’s hard and shaming and embarrassing to go back into the damage, but it is necessary for the attachment to be repaired.

 

Minutes 10-15:

This is a message that says, go through recovery together! It is helpful for the partner to see the work that the addict has been doing. The partner needs assurance that the addict isn’t going to make the same choices and being able to acknowledge the damage that was done is a good way to give that assurance.

 

There are so many things that could have caused some damage, and therefore it’s important to make sure that they are acknowledged and repaired. This isn’t about blame and ownership out of revenge or anger. This is about the person who caused pain circling back to rebuild trust in places where trust was lost. This is hard.

 

Minutes 15-20:

This is so hard because at this point there is already so much work into healthier living. We are asking the addict to go back into pain that they avoided for good reason. So to have to set aside all the hard work they have been doing and go back into past mistakes and pain, it feels crazy.

 

It would be easy to feel attacked and criticized when your partner gets triggered, but if you can recognize that it is only their body alarming them and you can help calm them, it changes your ability to respond. This is a complex maneuver that requires awareness and healing. You have be capable of recognizing that something you did in your past is still affecting your partner in their present and you have the opportunity to help them heal.

 

Minutes 20-25:

From Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight, or the workshops we do, Created for Connection, there is something called a Raw Spot where there is a wound or a painful injury that needs attention.

 

Connect Point:

Can you consider if you’ve made a choice in your relationship that had consequences that affected your partner and can you acknowledge what the choice was and how it affected them, and then discuss it with your partner.

 

To read more about Chad and Angela and what they do, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 9- Your Story

Episode 9: Your Story

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Sharing your story and how you got healthy give you assuring in your heart and in your relationships that you aren’t’ going back to the place where you were.

 

The fifth of the 5 action steps is embracing your story. It’s often hard to ‘own’ your story without having the first 4 action steps in place first. But once you can tell your story, and show the long division, you can give yourself assurance that you know how you got here and what you need to be healthy. Our culture promotes keeping the hard stuff private, so this step can be hard.

 

For me, realizing how my life broke down, it was easier to start to understand my own stuff because I was in CR and was listening to other people sharing their stuff. It was inspiring and helped me have the courage to start considering my own flaws and poor choices. So often we want to present the good things and we forget to acknowledge the bad.

 

Minutes 5-10:

If we are unaware of some of the reasons we struggle, then sometimes those things we are unaware of can be the underlying things are run us, and we don’t even know it. Our bodies are designed to hold on to hurt, so when we’ve been through hard places, yet we hide the places that our body remembers, it can feel incongruent. Without putting the pieces together, it’s harder to stop the bad behaviors because we don’t know what they are connected to.

 

Even though our culture is getting better at acknowledging mental health needs, often our family of origin rules and past experiences speak louder to us about what we can own about where we come from.

 

Minutes 10-15:

You don’t really want to go to this 5^th one until you have the first four done. You need people to support you and who know your story and accept you, so that you can start to accept yourself. A good place to start is with a timeline of your chronological events. You can start to fill in some of the emotionally impactful things, but the framework for a timeline is a good foundation.

 

Once your timeline is in place, can you look back and ask yourself if there were events that were hard or left an impact on who are you. Often you can start sharing with the people who are safe, like a therapist or a sponsor. We don’t suggest you do this alone. In recovery groups, people often do an inventory. That’s a good thing to do if you are getting started on this process.

 

Minutes 15-20:

It can be confusing on our stories when people we love who cared for us, also hurt us at moments in our lives. Being about to identify the impactful moments, good and bad, is part of embracing who we are and how experiences shaped our identity.

 

It takes work for us to redeem some of the worst parts of our stories and choices, but it is possible. The first step is to identify what those worst parts are and why and how they happened. We also have to consider the pace that is sustainable for our body as we start unpacking hard things.

 

Minutes 20-25:

When you can start stacking the action steps, then you can build self-care in on the days when you start to unpack your story. Also, communicate to your safe people that you are about to tackle some hard topics from your past so that they can be ready to respond to you if you need it.

 

Connect Point:

Take some time and consider your story and ask yourself if there are some years or events that you would like to remove from your timeline. If so, consider sharing those times with your partner.

 

To read about and hear more of Chad's and Angela's stories, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 8- Relationships

Episode 8: Relationships

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- When we are talking about relationship and community, we are referring to people who get your journey and who can support you in the process.

 

The 8^th episode and the middle of the 5 Action Steps that support recovery. Number 4 is Relationships. Not just the married relationship you are in, but also the relationships in your life that influence you. In order to sustain change and stay committed to change, you have to make sure the influences in your life line up with your goals.

 

We discussed, while still in the action stage, versus the maintenance step, what it would look like to host my parents who don’t follow the same patterns of eating as we had shifted to. Chad discusses what it looked like when he drank socially, connecting with the people around him was part of the process.

 

Minutes 5-10:

We have to start choosing to hang out with, so that the people who we hang out with have lifestyles in the direction we want to go. “If you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you’ll probably get a haircut.” Even in Chad’s Strava account, he started following people whose activity matched what he was hoping for his level of activity to look like.

 

We encourage people to look around and see who is living a life that models the way you want to live, and then surround yourself more with those people. The change we are looking for aren’t just behavioral changes. They are community changes and relational changes and attitude changes. For sustainable change, I have to find community that understands and supports the change you are trying to make.

 

Minutes 10-15:

We have been talking about the importance of including healthy and supportive community in your process. It is also important to consider what community might trigger you or what influence might not be supportive of your process. You have to be aware enough to know what influence is beneficial and what influence is not helpful.

 

It’s a hard thing to consider that your family of origin or even your spouse might be part of the influence that is producing shaming or triggering your process. You might need to consider needing to set boundaries or limits on the time you spend with the people who trigger you.

 

Minutes 15-20:

We also want to encourage the partner of someone who is addicted to consider getting involved in the recovery process. If there is addiction in your relationship, then you probably have plenty of pain and distress around the addictive behaviors also, and it would be good for you to get support on your side also.

 

Part of this process will be for you to learn a new way of interacting with some of the people you care about the most who might also inadvertently are hindering your process and don’t even know it. Again, we’re saying, shifting your relationships so that you are surrounding yourself with people who support your process and limit your time with those who aren’t as helpful.

 

Minutes 20-25:

These action steps build on each other. You don’t start with cutting off or shifting relationships. You start with limiting access to the things you over use. Then increase self-awareness. Then make sure you are doing good self-care. Then, once those first three are in place, you start assessing and adjusting relationships.

 

Connect Point:

Take some time and think about, where are the places that I find support and who are the people who provide support of my process? Maybe also think about the flip side. Where are the places and who are the people that do not support my process?

 

For more information or to contact Chad and Angela, go to their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 7- Self-Care

Episode 7: Self-Care

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- If we are going to consider healthy self-care, we need to consider something that engages our physical body and something that challenges our mind.

 

We’re discussing the nuts and bolts of recovery and how we get traction in our health and sobriety. This episode is all about self-care. Angela starts with her thoughts on self-care from her experience. During a time when she was trying to get healthy her sponsor asked her, are you eating healthy and sleeping well? As simple as those questions are, being a healthy human at its most basic level, is fueling and resting.

 

Another one is, am I exercising? What is self-care for Angela? Being able to disconnect from technology and to slow down and remove ourselves from work and stress is a start for good self-care.

 

Minutes 5-10:

What does it look like to take a little time for yourself? We often think we have to take care of everyone else first and also that we have to be productive. And self-care doesn’t have tangible measures. It doesn’t feel production. Angela overheard a quote about how intimacy is built around wasting time, and we don’t build into our schedules, wasted time.

 

We are not good at self-care. It is way easier to go to the other things. These 5 action steps build on each other. We have to remove access to things. We have to have awareness. And now we are adding to those two, we have to consider what it is like to tend to ourselves. We have to self-care. When we are unhealthy, we waste time and money. But then when we try to get healthy, somehow we lose track of the fact that some ‘wasted time’ is actually good for us.

 

Minutes 10-15:

What is my body asking for? What would feed my longing and give me a sense of relief. Chad likes bike riding. It is good for his soul. Can we have an awareness of what adds to our life and what brings us joy? There isn’t a self-care plan that is general and applies to everyone. It has to be specific and be something that you enjoy.

 

Angela shares story of her sponsor knowing her well enough to encourage her to do laundry and go for a run because those things are good self-care for her.

 

Minutes 15-20:

There are a few inherent ideas for self-care. Some form of physical activity is good for everyone. Getting your body involved is good everyone. Studies support this. Feeding your mind is another good option. Challenging your mind to learn something new. Ask yourself, “What can do that is fun, active and also challenges my mind?”

 

Some of the things that are not great to ‘do’, watching too much tv or playing video games. Try not to go to fantasy as self-care. Fantasy and escape doesn’t challenge your mind or your body.

 

Minutes 20-25:

It’s worth it to consider asking what you reward yourself with. If you use some of your vices as ways to celebrate, and you remove them, you can also lose celebration if you haven’t figured about another thing that is good for you in the place of the bad. Am I adding something? And then how do I give myself permission to self-care. You have to be aware of what is good for you.

 

Connect Point:

Ask yourself, what is one thing you can add to your life or do that you enjoy, that would have a healthy side effect for you, your family or those around you. First check in with yourself, then see if you can share it with your partner.

 

For more information about The Real Imhoffs, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 6- Self-Awareness

Episode 6: Self- Awareness

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- We have to take the time to check in. Do we have a process of checking in, especially around our areas of pain? If in don’t know what my pain is, I will comfort it somehow and not even know why or what I am doing.

 

We are in the 2 of 5 things that support healthy living or sobriety. The first, from the last episode, was Safe Guards. In this episode we’ll be talking about Self-Awareness. Can you identify what happens to you in distress? Do you get anxious? Do you want to isolate? Can you identify what the ‘vice’ satisfies?

 

We’re asking you to be curious about what happens to you when things go wrong, and then also when you turn to the thing you abuse or over use. We often ignore things we feel in order to just get through them, so slowing down to be aware of what’s going on is really hard. We have to take the time to check in with ourselves about when and why we are going to this other thing.

 

Minutes 5-10:

Sometimes, outer circumstances will tell us we need to look within. But we are hoping to get you to start considering what those internal things are without having our outer circumstances being the reason we have to look.

 

A good thing to use is the appraisal theory, which we’ve discussed before through the acrostic that our friend George Faller created, TEMP. What is the trigger, and how it is hitting me emotionally? Then, what is the meaning and can I track it to my protective action or the behavior that I do. Example- Angela going to the pantry to find something to satisfy my anxiety.

 

Minutes 10-15:

If we bring this process back into the cycle that happens to a couple, if one is having an off day and wants to lean toward the negative behavior and the other is also having an off day, it is way easier for them to just step off the action plan for healthy choices and regress to how things had been going. Being aware of what is going on shifts this process enough to allow a partner to help the other when one is off, so at least for both to discuss what the healthier option would be.

 

Chad pulls himself back into the moment he is asking us to consider. Slow down. Meditate. Be present in your body. Take the time to ask, “What’s going on inside me?”. PERMS is an acrostic we’ve used before. Physically, Emotionally, Relationally, Mentally, and Spiritually. Can I check in with myself on any of these and ask how I am doing right now?

 

Minutes 15-20:

If we have awareness, our conversation shifts from going straight to the behavior, to what is happening in our process. Chad says, “I’m tired and hungry.” Angela says, “I feel anxious because I’m behind and I feel I’m letting us down.” And now we are discussing how we feel and not just planning the quick fix for the feelings. Another option is to slow down enough to have awareness first, and then discus with your partner.

 

Example of a couple where one partner had a hard day at work and in the past would have stopped by the liquor store and gotten a drink on the way home, and he recognized- this is the moment where I relapse. And instead, pumped the breaks on his behavior for one moment and instead played a song in the car and listened to it, and then called his partner and explained what he was going to do. His partner thanked him for sharing, invited him to come home for dinner and they discussed his hard day. This created a new experience for them.

 

Minutes 20-25:

Another example is Chad coming in the door and explaining that he had a little more work to do and felt pressure to both be present for the family but also finish his work, helped Angela understand and even give him the space he needed to finish and her the space she needed also. The awareness is the first step for this new move.

 

The first part of this new process is awareness. The next move that is also new, is sharing it with your partner, which we will discuss more in the episode we’ll talk about relationship, but for now, we really want to you to try to slow down and try to tune in to what you are feeling.

 

Connect Point: We want you to slow down and right now, consider the elements of the PERMS acrostic; Physical, Emotional, Relational, Mental, Spiritual. Take some time and examine those in this moment and if you can identify how you feel in any of those, see if you can share it with your partner.

 

To read more about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com

 

Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 5- Safe Guards

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- We have to start to look at the reasons why we go to a substance. The story always makes sense. We want to help bring context to your struggle.

 

This is where we talk about how we take action. In addiction people often talk about what they aren’t going to do. “I’m not going to drink.” In this episode we start talking about, “What I AM going to do.”

 

As a reminder, we are talking to both partners. The partner that might be the addict and the spouse of the addicted partner. Also, without clear motivation, change won’t happen. The person who needs to change, is the one who needs the motivation.

 

The first of 5 action steps is Safe Guards. This is about minimizes or reducing exposure and reducing access to things that might contribute to the addiction.

 

Minutes 5-10:

The second one is Self-Awareness. People who struggle with dependence or abuse of a substance often have no awareness of why they even use it. The third of the five Action steps is Healthy Self-Care. Taking care of yourself includes doing things that bring you joy.

 

Number four is Relationships. The people who we choose to surround ourselves with either support our health or contribute to our unhealthy behavior. And finally, number five is being able to embrace your own story. You have to find a way to figure out how you got here without the shame that is often attached to it. The story always makes sense.

 

Minutes 10-15:

We want to bring coherence and context to your story. We want to help you put your narrative together and that includes owning your part, but also knowing what parts aren’t yours to own. Those are the five things we will continue to discuss over the next five episodes. The rest of this episode will discuss Safe Guards.

 

Coming in to this series we’ve been tightening up our eating habits, so we had to remove access to some of the unhealthy things we were eating. We removed some of the sugary things and some of the carbs. A person who struggles with drinking would possibly adjust how they drive home to avoid driving by a liquor store. Someone who struggles with online addiction might put restrictions on their computer.

 

Keep in mind that someone who wants to keep using will find a way to get the thing. This is one of five things that are interlocking and when put in place will help a person with motivation to change to make a slight adjustment to what they do.

 

Minutes 15-20:

If there is easy access to something that will temp us, we might accidentally use it out of habit. Something to consider; in the preparation phase, being ok about getting rid of all the things. We actually pushed off our start state of healthy eating because we didn’t want to get rid of stuff, which isn’t a best practice for change. You might need to get rid of somethings that you have handy if they contribute to your addiction.

 

Removing exposure to some of the excessive behaviors means setting different boundaries around what you do. A workaholic still works, but sets different parameters around how much working will be done and when to stop.

 

This can be a challenge when you have to ask those around you to support what you are trying to change. You might need to ask your spouse or family or tribe to support what you need in the process.

 

Minutes 20-25:

If you are the partner of someone who is trying to change, you are probably going to have to change some things also. Chad and I were able to make adjustments because we were willing to work together about what we both needed to change. A conversation around what we need to remove for change to happen is required between a couple. Moving something ‘a couple steps away’.

 

Putting barriers in place isn’t the key to sobriety, but it is one piece of the scaffolding that you will build around you to secure the change you make.

 

Connect Point: Identify something that you would like to create a barrier to get to. Is there anything that you would like it to be a little harder to access. Once you know, share it with your partner so they can support you in your decision to change.

 

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, check out www.therealimhoffs.com