Pursuers and Withdrawers: Episode 9- What Withdrawers Can Do

Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 
Episode 9: What Withdrawers Can Do

First 5 minutes:
What do Pursuers need in distress? First- we are making an assumption that we are already de-escalated. De-escalated couples don’t get into as intense of fights and that we can do a repair when there is a disconnection. Both sides are engaged and working toward connection.

Pursuers will need to slow down their own process to the point of being able to identify what they need in those distressing moments, and then also be able to articulate to their partners what those needs are.

Minutes 5-10:
It’s easier for a withdrawer to come alongside their pursuer when the withdrawer is not the ‘problem’- the example given was distress caused by an external factor. Withdrawers who are ‘causing’ the distress or adding to the distress, can get blamed and then can get defensive. It makes it harder.

If you can ‘dodge the bullet’ and instead of believing you are being attached, start to see your Pursuer in distress who needs your help- you can shift the interaction. “I know I’ve let you down, and I am sorry I have, I am here with you and I want to understand.”

Minutes 10-15:
If slows the cycle down enough for the Pursuer to actual, consider what might be going on underneath the surface energy. We’re not asking Withdrawers to lie or to own something that isn’t accurate. To capitulate doesn’t really help or create connection.

If withdrawers can “disconnect from the accusation” and instead acknowledge your partner’s distress. Let the Pursuer know that you really want to understand what is happening emotionally. It is really hard for a Pursuer to take in the offer of understanding because this is a new move. 

Minutes 15-20:
It’s hard not to shift how we interact with others once we learn these new moves. With our daughter Avery, when she is distressed, we respond in a different way now. Pursuers can be fighting so hard to be heard that the content gets lost. For a withdrawer to stay and try to hear is already better then when they are left alone feeling unheard.

When a withdrawer stays, a Pursuer feels like they are worth the risk. It is hard for a Pursuer to start to accept that they might be using control or systems or managing their partner in order to actually help them feel better internally (to manage internal anxiety).

Minutes 20-25:
If a Pursuers fear is that they will be abandoned for being ‘too much’- it is hard for them to talk about the energy that we feel might be too much. Pursuers are carrying a lot of responsibility in their efforts to make everything better. But then their heart gets missed. Pursuers feel they are unlovable when everything is falling apart, therefore they spend a lot of energy holding it all together for themselves and for others.

Connect Point: Withdrawers consider, of the things we’ve brought up in this episode, what could I do that might be a different move for my Pursuer and then share it. Pursuers, consider what your Withdrawers is saying they might be able to do and consider how you might be able to take it in or what you might need.

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com