Pursuers and Withdrawers: Episode 7- De-Escalated Withdrawers

Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 
Episode 7: De-Escalated Withdrawers

First 5 minutes:
Escalation for a withdrawer doesn’t mean heighten energy and big emotion. What escalation means is that the strategies (of both sides) are in full play. An escalated Withdrawer is one who is really avoidant and disengaged. So an ‘de-escalated’ withdrawer is a little bit more engaged and aware of what is going on in the cycle. When a withdrawer can start to see how their humor or placating or avoidance affects their pursuer, they are less escalated then when the strategy hijacks them outside of their awareness.

Small little moves make a big difference. If a withdrawer can start to ask themselves, “what do I feel in these moments when I am drawn to go away”, you’ll start to put words to the process.

Minutes 5-10:
“I don’t know what to do, but I am learning that to stay is better for you.” Leaving is often how withdrawers regulate what feels like it’s getting out of control, but the pursuer often feels left alone in the chaos. This move is counterintuitive because staying could make the interaction feel escalated, when in reality, it’s a more conning move.

Staying in the room or staying in the interaction gives the best chance at co-regulation. Pumping the breaks on the cycle for a withdrawer is to try to hang in there in what feels like a hard conversation with your partner.

Minutes 10-15:
A de-escalated withdrawer can have an awareness of the process and then also stay in the room. They must first re-engage themselves, and then once they have more awareness, they bring that awareness into the relationship.

An engaged withdrawer can also bring their own distress to their partner. They can (make attempts to) bring their experience to their partner in order to get a response. Pursers then need to be able to: Listen, empathize and be with it, not coach it or fix it etc…. A de-escalated couple can keep the focus on the presenting distress (partner won’t feel the need to hijack the conversation with their response).

Minutes 15-20:
Failure is what withdrawers are trying to avoid, and staying in the room feels risky, yet, if you never try there is no way to be seen in the lonely, hard, distress. The ‘new move’ is to slow down and try something different… to try NOT to leave the partner in their distress and chaos.

The time it takes is a process. First you’ll be able to do a repair after the fight. You won’t be able to do all these moves right away. There will be little adjustments to the engagement. Once you get some reps on the repair, you’ll have a better chance at slowing down in the moment. There will be a risk. But there will also be a reward.

Minutes 20-25:
These moves will feel less awkward over time when you get used to them. The goal isn’t to make a withdrawer to become a pursuer or stop being a withdrawer, we’ll only shooting for a little more engagement.

Connect Point: If the withdrawer were to try a new move, what would that feel like for the purser. Can you discuss how you think it would play out if your cycle was shifted by a new strategy brought forward by the withdrawer.

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com