Pursuers and Withdrawers: Episode 6- De-Escalated Pursuers

Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 

Episode 6: De-Escalated Pursuers

First 5 minutes:
Escalation happens quickly and sends us into a cycle that puts both partners into their strategies. How do we know when we are able to remain de-escalated in our cycle? De-Escalation doesn’t mean we don’t fight. It means withdrawers are more engaged and pursuers can have more awareness around what is happening for them internally. Pursuers often feel hijacked by their emotion- so quickly that its often hard to stop. When we review a Rocky Moment- can we recognize the part we played in what went wrong.

Minutes 5-10:
Healthier behaviors for a Pursuers looks like an ability to recognize what is happening inside of them emotionally during their interactions. If the focus is still on the behavior of others, the goal is to shift that focus internally into what the behavior of the other person is or is not making them feel. Could be anxious or frustrated or sadness or chaos, any emotional recognition is more aware then none.

A half step to understanding internal cues could be, ‘something is going on and I can feel it, but I don’t know what it is.” De-escalation means that you can slow your cycle down a bit and understand the other things that are at play- in TEMP, the emotion and the meaning parts.

Minutes 10-15:
A pursuer can tell their withdrawer a body marker. I would look something like- “I can feel the energy in my body ramping up and I need you to help me.” The idea of being escalated or de-escalated is a continuum. It’s not one destination or the other. It’s fluid and you can go back and forth depending on how secure you feel in your connection.

In healthier places, the partner can help the Pursuer deregulate if they are starting to feel anxious or out of control.

Minutes 15-20:
De-Escalated Pursuers don’t stop being pursuers. They are just able to slow down some of the “P” Protective Actions- the behaviors. Instead of working on managing the things around them to decrease the chaotic feelings, they can articulate to their partner what they feel and what they feel drawn to do. ‘I feel overwhelmed and I want to manage everyone.”

Slight adjustments can change the interactions from getting into a cycle to understanding each other better. Once you are in a place where you can share what is happening, you can start to create to meaning around your interactions. The goal IS NOT to just calm down or to deregulate. The goal is to connect in distress.
 
Minutes 20-25:
As a pursuer, a recognizable shift in emotional health is to start to see how our strategies in a cycle land on or affect our partner. We are able to return to a fight quicker and even initiate a repair owning or acknowledging the part we played in it and sharing our deeper longing or desire.

Connect Point: Imagine that you, as the Pursuer, is sharing with your partner what is going on internally or emotionally instead of focusing on the withdrawer’s behaviors or lack of behavior. How do you think that would go? If you are the withdrawer, imagine your pursuer coming to you with their internal process versus what you are or are not doing. How do you think you would respond to that? Discuss the possibility of a different interaction.

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com