Pursuers and Withdrawers: Episode 4- The Pursuer’s Dilemma

Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 

Episode 4: The Pursuer's Dilemma Show Notes.

First 5 minutes:
Pursuers often feel like their thought process might be too much and therefore are already modifying or holding back some of the energy they have. This episode is designed to bring up empathy for our Pursuers.

Minutes 5-10:
The first dilemma we bring up is when we see something that isn’t done the way we thought it should be. Should the pursuer only show gratitude for the effort, or should the pursuer point out what might be wrong with how it was done- which reinforces the message that no one can get it right for them.

Another dilemma is when pursuers are in an interaction and start to feel like the other person isn’t understanding them- the internal process is possibly to go bigger- make it more urgent, use more words, etc… or not saying anything, but feel like that won’t work. If pursuers show more energy to help clarify the interaction, they are seen as too much.

Minutes 10-15:
If pursuers don’t ‘take control’ of situations that feel like they are not going well, then they feel compromised- their motivation is to help all situations run the best.  Pursuers can often try to use silence- still to get a response from their partners.

If pursuers don’t say anything, their anxiety builds because they feel compelled to bring attention to what is going wrong. But it takes so much energy to both hold back, but then to bring it forward. It’s a catch 22. The intent for why the pursuers fight so hard comes from such a good place in their hearts. Pursuers just want ‘everyone to do their part.’ It’s exhausting and pursuers get burnt out.

Minutes 15-20:
Pursuers can get to a sense of hopelessness when they have been doing so much for so long without help or acknowledgement. When we have to ask for, even in a demanding way, for needs to be met, pursuers then feel too needy.

The systems that pursuers have in place for everything to run well, end up running them and everyone else and if the systems start failing, a pursuers anxiety will begin to build.

Pursuers take on so much and even pick up the slack for others, but then the system learns to rely on the pursuer and possibly even just let the pursuer do it all. But then pursuers get no relief.

Minutes 20-25:
Pursuers believe (and often withdrawers will agree) that they are working harder and doing more than everyone else. And the real sad part is that pursuers also blame themselves when things start going wrong.

Pursuers are willing to try anything and everything to get the response they need.

Connect Point: Both partners take time to discuss one of the dilemmas pursuers face that brings up empathy or compassion for the process your pursuer is going through.

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com