Pursuers and Withdrawers: Episode 10- Why This Is So Hard

Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 
 Episode 10: Why This Is So Hard
 
First 5 minutes:
Wrapping up this series and tying all the pieces together. Getting both sides, the Pursuers and the Withdrawers to recognize they both get hijacked by a deeper thing that is at play. Quick recap of TEMP.  This acrostic created by EFT Therapist George Faller describes the Appraisal Theory, which is how our body processes emotion. TEMP is- TRIGGER is something I notice that sends my body a message that our connection is being threatened. Then I feel an EMOTION that picks up the threat and tells my body there is something wrong “uh-oh”. My body sends the signal to my brain where I start to assign MEANING to what I am seeing and feeling. And then I do a cued response that is my PROTECTIVE Strategy that is the thing my body feels will keep me and/or our relationship safe.

All of these responsive behaviors are based on our attachment to each other which is learned based on our attachment strategies from our past experiences.

Minutes 5-10:
The strategies that our bodies naturally do when we get a threat message that our connection is at risk- were learned from our development. Over time, we learned these strategies as our way to maintain connection. We all need connection to survive- we are ‘pack animals’ and rely on each other for safety and connection. If something happens within us that we pick up as a possible cue that we could get rejected or abandoned, then our connection is being threatened and we do the thing we’ve learned will keep us connected.
 
Mis-messages from our culture when we hear ‘you don’t need anyone’. This is false. We all need connection. We see this in our 12-step programs that are linear and send the message that they need to get healing ‘on their own’. What a person does when they can’t get connection within their system, is they go and find connection in another system that is more safe then the one they had to leave or where they were not finding.
 
Minutes 10-15:
We all long for acceptance and to be seen. We need to be able to find connection in our hardest and darkest places where we don’t really like ourselves. It is vital for us to connect. In isolation, all the bad feelings grow- anxiety, depression, etc… we are not meant to be alone with our experiences. We are designed to share experiences.
 
Internally we long for acceptance and for someone to be present with us. Brene Brown says, rarely does a response solve the problem. Connection and presence is what we need in distress. We want couples to be able to access our deeper feelings and our deeper fears. Often for a Withdrawer it’s that they will be found flawed and rejected. Often for Pursuers its, that they are inadequate and that cues a lot of emotion, and if they are too much they will be left. Sue Johnson- co-founder of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) asks, “What is your catastrophic fear?”
 
Minutes 15-20:
The whole reason we have Pursers and Withdrawers is because that’s how we learned to cope. This is why it’s so important that we learn how to get clear about what is hurting so we can tell our partners that we need them in these places where we feel insecure. We can’t let our partners in to the places we haven’t taken the time to consider.

Acceptance of ourselves cannot ever make us feel secure. We need acceptance from others- specifically our partners, in order to feel secure. This is so hard because everything in our lives tells us NOT to bring these negative and hard things forward. We all long to be accepted in the hard places. Broken and Loved. It’s what we need. Isolation doesn’t allow us to get the feedback we need to know if we are doing ok.

Minutes 20-25:
We need others. If we don’t acknowledge our need for others, we miss the very thing, the only thing that can bring us the security we long for. It’s not only about stopping the cycle, it is more about being able to bring our fears and longing forward and for our partner to respond with acceptance in the places where we are afraid.
 
Connect Point: Broken and Loved. If you haven’t ever identified TEMP (Trigger, Emotion, Meaning and Protective Action), start with that. But once you have identified your process, we want you to try to discuss your deeper “catastrophic fear”. Can you identify what you are ultimate afraid of if everything goes wrong, and can you share it with your partner. Partners, only say, ‘Thank you for sharing’.
 
For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com