Healing From Past Wounds: Episode 8- Counting The Cost

Episode 8: Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Chad and Angela are breaking down content so you can get into the process and ask yourself what is going on? In this episode Chad breaks down some of his “Raw Spots” around money. He explains that growing up his family was poor and therefore he thinks about spending. He feels the need to be fragile with the money he has. Angela explains that they have been trying to get you to recognize patterns in your interactions so you can start to ask, what is at play and is ‘this’ a raw spot or is this something else?

 

The key is to note where the tension is and have a conversation about it. Where have you felt this tension before in your relationship and possibly even where have you felt this before- before your relationship. Early in their relationship, Angela explains that she noticed Chad was in a process that didn’t look familiar to her. So she began to ask Chad about what was going on.

 

Minutes 5-10:

Chad admits that there is tangible energy in the process that he is in around spending. Chad and Angela discuss the cycle they got in around him spending, specifically what Chad needs from Angela as a response when he brings it up. To help you understand how to break down the content, Chad and Angela talk you through their discussion around purchasing.

 

Chad starts off by mentioning that it’s not only around big purchases, but that he is also in a process around smaller purchases. For clarity, Angela explains that while she can see or sometimes feel the tension around the big purchases, she was unaware that he was also struggling to make smaller purchases. Chad explains that big or small, he feels strongly that how he spends money matters.

 

When these ‘raw spots’ come up, it is likely that your partner won’t know how you feel because their experience is different than yours. Angela shares that she does not have a problem buying items, so it was hard for her to understand what was happening for him.

 

Minutes 10-15:

To break down the differences for you, Angela explains that in the 11 years they have been together, she has had the same vehicle, but Chad has had 7 different vehicles and in every case there was a challenging conversation around the purchase. They share a story about buying a car for one dollar that he could fix and sell, and even making a dollar purchase took a lot of time and energy and effort trying to make sure it was the right choice.

 

The trap that can happen in a relationship is that it is difficult for the partner to bring up the process they see in the other partner without it landing like criticism. They explain that if the partner can approach with curiosity and an accepting tone, there is a better chance that you can get into the process that is at play. Angela says to Chad with curiosity- “Hey, something is happening for you, and I don’t understand it. Can you help me understand?”

 

Angela brings up 2 specific content topics that explains times when she misunderstood what he needed from her. One was about getting a third bike and the other was about upgrading watches.

 

Minutes 15-20:

It is helpful in this process if both partners can be clear about what they are presenting or what they need. Their cycle happens when Chad present a topic of purchase and Angela isn’t sure what he needs from her? Chad starts to ask questions about why it is a difficult process for him to make a purchase. Angela mentions why there has been tension added to this process because she was critical and even accused him of buying being an idol or over-spending.

 

He realized that he doesn’t feel that he can ever get the purchase right. As soon as he purchases any item, it is outdated. Chad says, making a purchase, even a needed one, never provides relief, it only provides stress. Chad starts to explain what he needs which includes assurance and verbalizing that Angela believes in his ability to make a good purchase.

 

Minutes 20-23:

It turns out that it really isn’t’ about the content. It is always about the process. You have to go through the content to get to the process, but eventually you have to sink below the content and figure out what else is at play. You have to be in tune with yourself so you can understand what is causing the internal tension.

 

Connect Point:

We want you to take time and consider if there are themes or patterns of interaction that cause tension in your relationship. Places where you spend a lot of time and energy overthinking or over analyzing. Can you identify places where you are stuck and share them with your partner? See if your partner can help you process what is going on.

 

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com