Healing From Past Wounds: Episode 7- Can You Notice A Pattern?

Episode 7: Show Notes  

First 5 minutes:
Intro- Chad and Angela are bringing up another example of a place where they got into a cycle. They break down the content and help you understand how they had a different conversation about it.

The content of this ‘fight’ is building a play structure in the back yard, which is harder than it sounds because of the slope of their backyard. As they are making plans to build it, they begin to bring their idea forward of how it should go. They agree on the majority of it. They found a used structure that they could use as a base and build on it.

Angela explains that ‘step 1’ of their process is that she draws out what it will look like when it is complete and even spells out the steps she believes will achieve the desired final outcome.   

Minutes 5-10
For the most part, they work well together in the start of the project. Chad seem accommodating to Angela’s idea and they continue. As it comes together, they are both working and getting along. There is a moment in a project like this where something happens and the tone shifts. There is a specific task where they have a different idea about how it should go.

Several hours in, they get into a cycle where they both are ‘fighting’ for doing the project the way one of them thinks it should be done. Angela explains that at this specific point, she realizes that she can’t do this without Chad, so she has to relent. If she keeps fighting, it won’t get complete, and at that point, it getting done is more important than it being done the way she thinks it should be done.    

Minutes 10-15:
At this point Chad and Angela slot the conversation and try to identify things from family of origin that are influencing their interaction. Angela brings up that they both come from parents who feel strongly that ‘being right matters.’ So when both of them feel that they are right, they can shift into a position where they are attacking the other person’s position to win their own.

Another thing at play from the past is that both Chad and Angela come from parents who were engineers and are problem solvers, so they both have seen what is required to get a task done. Chad discusses that it might be stubborn, but stubborn gets stuff done. And both of them feel that they know what is needed to get the project done.    

As Chad and Angela continue to discuss what happened in this scenario, they realize that Chad actually becomes a Pursuer when they take on a construction project. In Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight, this is a “Demon Dialogue” fight called “Find the Bad Guy” when there is a double pursue.

Minutes 15-20:
Angela is a Pursuer, but in this setting, where Chad starts to Pursue, Angela realizes that if she continues to pursue her idea, there is a chance she will lose Chad and then the project won’t get done. They both articulate that they would prefer if they could overcome this and get along instead of them getting into a cycle around these projects.  

Once the project is complete, they can look back and appreciate the unique contribution that the other person brought to the project, but in the moment, it is harder to see. This is why they review it after and discuss what went wrong.

Connect Point:
In this connect point we want you to consider if there are any areas where you flip your role or strategy. Is there any content in your relationship where the pursuer becomes the withdrawer or the withdrawer starts to pursue more? If so, how do you navigate it? Consider our fight around building projects and have a conversation with your partner about places where this might show up in your own relationship.   

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com