Healing From Past Wounds: Episode 5- Does It Need To Change?

Episode 5: Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Chad and Angela have given a few clear examples of ‘Raw Spots’ that they had previously identified in their relationship, but now what to discuss how you know if it’s just a trigger or a little cycle, or if there is something deeper. Often times our past wounds can be around family rules or family patterns that shaped us over time but now longer work in our present relationship. Is this just an irritable day where we feel disconnected or is this something we need to unpack and shift?

 

Some of these family rules might even be why a couple connected in the first place, but now we can evaluate if some of those need to change. As a point of reference, it would be good to go back and listen to our series called “Staying Tuned In,” where we discuss how we send clear messages to each other when we are aligned and connected, but that sometimes we send a distorted messages and the confusion can send a couple into a cycle.

 

Minutes 5-10:

One of the ways you can unpack a past wound is to pay attention to the times when the messages that are being communicated are distorted or confusing to understand. The first point of possibly unpacking a past wound or past influence is to recognize when the messages between the two of you start to get distorted. Is one person sending a confusing message? Or is one person having a challenge understanding the message. If so, you might slow down there and recognize that something deeper is at play.

 

Chad and Angela bring up a family rule that is causing tension between then and they start to unpack what else might be at play. The rule is around the content of being sick, or unproductive, or resting. The rule might be, if you aren’t doing something that contributes value, then you are valuable.

 

Minutes 10-15:

A few examples are shared that start unpacking where this unwritten influence is at play. On vacations, it is important to get the most out of your time off. When Angela was pregnant, there was an underlying message during the second trimester, when she got sick and couldn’t do much, there was a deep down lie about feeling worthless if she wasn’t doing something.

 

One of the reasons Chad and Angela coupled and work well together is because they share a capacity to do a lot. They both share the same family rules around ‘doing’ and it has been a virtue- however- it is no longer working in their family- therefore they are trying to have a discussion about what is at play and how to change it.

 

Angela’s family of origin, modeled for her that there was always something to do. Even around play and rest- camping, fishing, traveling… there is work. There is packing and unpacking and cleaning up. Their experiences have allowed them to have full and productive experiences, but they are both discussing the need to slow down and rest more.

 

Minutes 15-20:

We need feedback in order to know how we are doing. Feedback from our community, our family, our friends, in our circles, we see how others do things and then ask ourselves if we need to adjust how we do it. Sometimes we find that our choices fit us and we like them- so we can decide to keep them. But sometimes we recognize that our way isn’t working anymore and seeing how others do things gives us permission consider adjusting it.

 

What are the rules and rhythms of your life? Do you like them? If you do great- healthy people have good rhythms? Can you change the things that aren’t working, or is there a reason that you are being held to a choice based on past influence?

 

Connect Point: Take a few minutes and consider if there are any things that you continue to do as a rhythm or a routine that you learned in your childhood that you continue to do now. Do you like these things? Or would you like to consider changing them and why. Have a conversation with your partner about making new rules around some of the choices that were influences by your past patterns.

 

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com