Healing From Past Wounds: Episode 2- Where Have I Felt This Before?

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- We’re trying to bring forward the idea that you have residue from a past wound and your present relationship is triggering that pain and neither of you know that this cycle is based on meaning from past pain. It’s normal for us to react to pain this way. These aren’t even “big T traumas” but more a thing that happened over and over where you have developed a pattern of responses.

 

A friend helped me realize that I learned these responses from reoccurring events that I experienced from my family. Like how metal is bent. Over time, metal is heated up and tapped and heated up and tapped and heated up and tapped… and that is how metal is bent. It’s not one time, it’s a series of reoccurring events that teach us how to respond.

 

The Big T traumas are usually isolated events that our bodies can identify as events that need to be processed. But the little tones and rules and responses that we learn subtly are the things that can get bumped in our present relationship.

 

Minutes 5-10:

When these things show up in our present relationship- it is easy to blame the present interaction for the pain. But in reality, we get the opportunity to show up for our spouse and help them heal in these moments of distress. There is nobody that can help you frame how you see yourself better than your partner.

 

How we noticed a “raw spot” that Chad had. Angela would ask, “Did you feed the dogs?” Chad heard the question and had a reaction.

 

Minutes 10-15:

At this point- the first time we experienced this- we did not know why he was having the reaction. Several months later, it happened again. Angela asks, “Did you feed the dogs?” and Chad has a reaction that is bigger than the situation merits. We started to notice that there is patterned response- but we don’t know why.

 

Angela starts to try to adjust how she asks the question. Adjustments are being made to try to have a better interaction, but we still have not identified what is actually happening for Chad when Angela asks, “Did you feed the dogs?” A cycle is at play, adjustments are being made, and neither of the partners knows what is bring triggered.

 

Can you identify that a response is ‘out of the ordinary’ that might be triggering something from your past? Outside of the context of the situation we had a conversation about what was happening that brought up the question for Chad- “where have I felt this before?” It reminded Chad of being a kid and getting in trouble for not doing chores.

 

 

Minutes 15-20:

Even though we are now aware of what is coming up, it doesn’t mean he won’t get triggered again. It only means we have better awareness and now we want to help our partner find some healing around a wound or at least try to re-write the meaning around what the trigger is saying.

 

Connect Point:

In this connect point we want you to reflect on your family of origin. If you, let’s say, did not feed the dogs, or did not complete a chore, what was your family’s response to you getting it wrong.” See if you can identify your family’s response and share it with your partner.

 

For more information about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com