Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 6- Self-Awareness

Episode 6: Self- Awareness

Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- We have to take the time to check in. Do we have a process of checking in, especially around our areas of pain? If in don’t know what my pain is, I will comfort it somehow and not even know why or what I am doing.

 

We are in the 2 of 5 things that support healthy living or sobriety. The first, from the last episode, was Safe Guards. In this episode we’ll be talking about Self-Awareness. Can you identify what happens to you in distress? Do you get anxious? Do you want to isolate? Can you identify what the ‘vice’ satisfies?

 

We’re asking you to be curious about what happens to you when things go wrong, and then also when you turn to the thing you abuse or over use. We often ignore things we feel in order to just get through them, so slowing down to be aware of what’s going on is really hard. We have to take the time to check in with ourselves about when and why we are going to this other thing.

 

Minutes 5-10:

Sometimes, outer circumstances will tell us we need to look within. But we are hoping to get you to start considering what those internal things are without having our outer circumstances being the reason we have to look.

 

A good thing to use is the appraisal theory, which we’ve discussed before through the acrostic that our friend George Faller created, TEMP. What is the trigger, and how it is hitting me emotionally? Then, what is the meaning and can I track it to my protective action or the behavior that I do. Example- Angela going to the pantry to find something to satisfy my anxiety.

 

Minutes 10-15:

If we bring this process back into the cycle that happens to a couple, if one is having an off day and wants to lean toward the negative behavior and the other is also having an off day, it is way easier for them to just step off the action plan for healthy choices and regress to how things had been going. Being aware of what is going on shifts this process enough to allow a partner to help the other when one is off, so at least for both to discuss what the healthier option would be.

 

Chad pulls himself back into the moment he is asking us to consider. Slow down. Meditate. Be present in your body. Take the time to ask, “What’s going on inside me?”. PERMS is an acrostic we’ve used before. Physically, Emotionally, Relationally, Mentally, and Spiritually. Can I check in with myself on any of these and ask how I am doing right now?

 

Minutes 15-20:

If we have awareness, our conversation shifts from going straight to the behavior, to what is happening in our process. Chad says, “I’m tired and hungry.” Angela says, “I feel anxious because I’m behind and I feel I’m letting us down.” And now we are discussing how we feel and not just planning the quick fix for the feelings. Another option is to slow down enough to have awareness first, and then discus with your partner.

 

Example of a couple where one partner had a hard day at work and in the past would have stopped by the liquor store and gotten a drink on the way home, and he recognized- this is the moment where I relapse. And instead, pumped the breaks on his behavior for one moment and instead played a song in the car and listened to it, and then called his partner and explained what he was going to do. His partner thanked him for sharing, invited him to come home for dinner and they discussed his hard day. This created a new experience for them.

 

Minutes 20-25:

Another example is Chad coming in the door and explaining that he had a little more work to do and felt pressure to both be present for the family but also finish his work, helped Angela understand and even give him the space he needed to finish and her the space she needed also. The awareness is the first step for this new move.

 

The first part of this new process is awareness. The next move that is also new, is sharing it with your partner, which we will discuss more in the episode we’ll talk about relationship, but for now, we really want to you to try to slow down and try to tune in to what you are feeling.

 

Connect Point: We want you to slow down and right now, consider the elements of the PERMS acrostic; Physical, Emotional, Relational, Mental, Spiritual. Take some time and examine those in this moment and if you can identify how you feel in any of those, see if you can share it with your partner.

 

To read more about Chad and Angela Imhoff, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com