Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 14- Responding to Pain

Connection Couples Podcast: Addiction Series

Episode 14: Responding to Pain

Show Notes

 

Intro & First 5 minutes:

Alternative Responses that come up for couples who have experienced addiction. Once there has been health and sobriety, things feel better, however, if we never go back and discuss and open up the pain, then the body holds onto it. Addiction ‘takes’ a lot from the person and from the relationship. It’s important to, when the couple is in a more stable place, go back and discuss the losses so they can grieve.

 

Early on when there are apologies and responses, anger and resentment tends to be some of the first emotions or feelings that present themselves. But once the anger is responded to and the trust is rebuilt, sadness and grief is what presents.

 

5-10 minutes:

The sadness can be new- when there has been so much anger and protection. People who struggle with addiction tend to go away from pain- so to consider now going into the pain with purpose is hard. The opposite of addiction isn’t only connection- it’s connection around pain, where the person has gone to other things for comfort.

 

We (Chad and Angela) are both people who tend to outperform our pain. This concept is hard for us. Asking our partner to sit with us in pain is hard enough as it is. It’s even harder when the pain has been caused by our partner’s behaviors.

 

10-15 minutes:

Your ability to enjoy life and relationships is directly related to your ability to grieve and go through loss. If not, you wall off so many parts of yourself you feel isolated and disconnected. The parts are- be sad for it and experience it, but then also be able to put it down.

 

Honoring what it is that your body is trying to say when the pain comes up is what we are trying to acknowledge. A person who is in relationship with someone who struggles with addiction has mistrust and is holding pain from it that has never been acknowledged or responded to because it’s never been the right time. Couples that can bring up the pain, share it and discuss it, and grieve together, sure up their relationship in remarkable ways.

 

15-20 minutes:

It’s a hard thing to go into, but if you can ask, “what have we lost due to addiction?” You can break it down practically and write down time, dollar amount of what the addiction costed, but then also try to consider the emotional impact… that it has cost joy and connection that takes a long time to rebuild.

 

Pain is the emotion we are focusing on, but anger, shame, resentment and more are going to be pretty close to this pain and you should expect for them to show up too. Anger and shame are emotions that are very normal to experience in this process.

 

You might need help navigating this. A therapist. A Sponsor. Someone or a couple who has been through this and understands.

 

Connect Point:

In this connect point we want you to consider how you respond to pain and then share that with your partner. In order for our partner to be able to respond to our pain, it is important for them to understand our habits around pain. Take a few minutes to see if you can share with your partner some of the ways you respond to pain and disappointment.

 

To find out how to connect with Chad and Angela, visit their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com