Connecting Couples in Addiction: Episode 1- Comfort and Coping

Episode 1: Comfort and Coping Show Notes

 

First 5 minutes:

Intro- Where do I go when it hurts? We hesitated on titling this series “Addiction” because people have so many different ideas and experiences around ‘addiction’ that it isn’t an easy word. So, we’ll start with the definition.

 

Even if you don’t have what you would call an ‘addiction’, it is worth it to consider what you go to for comfort. You might not be an addict of anything, but what might be getting in the way of you connecting with your partner in areas of pain and insecurity?

 

Addiction- anything we’ve turned to (substance or behavior) that we’ve used to cope with the world to provide comfort or relief from the stress of everyday life. Can you identify that you even use ‘it’ for comfort?

 

Minutes 5-10:

Generally, people don’t start by saying, ‘I’m going to become an addict.’ All of these vices start small and with the longing to meet a need. Addiction definition- pattern of behavior or a substance (something you are doing or turning to), that at some point provided comfort, but then got to a point where it was no longer beneficial.

 

Angela gives the example of taking Advil and Sleep Aid to help her sleep a few times, but then it turned into more frequency. Then it became something she couldn’t sleep without. The beginning plan wasn’t that she was going to go to having to take something indefinitely to help her sleep.

 

Can you start to think about… If it’s a hard day, what you turn to for relief or comfort? Can you consider what you might be using to help you cope or meet a need that is a response to pain? A good indicator that something might be shifting into an unhealthy place is that you have shifted from a place where it was helping, but now you can’t get by without it.

 

Minutes 10-15:

Nobody starts out with the hope to become dependent on a substance. Nobody starts with the most excessive use of a behavior or substance. Everyone starts with… mild or moderate use to help comfort or relieve pain or a problem. We hardwire into our brains that the temporary fix is now the thing that meets the need and we lose sight of what the need was.

 

The struggles you are in make sense and we aren’t trying to give anyone a hard time for the fact that you found a coping strategy, and that the thing you found is now hurting you. We have to back up for a minute and try to identify what I go to for comfort.

 

The very basic thing a baby does is to call out (cry) as a way to get responded to. Somewhere along the way, we learn what we can ask for comfort for and what might not get responded to and we have to find our own ways to get comfort. We’ve learned patterns of pain responses.

 

Minutes 15-20:

We are a culture that tries to live comfortably. Comfort is something we build into our lives. When there is pain or discomfort, our adaptive strategy is to find something to ease the discomfort. Where do I go (what do I turn to) when it’s too much? Too much pain. Too much anxiety.

 

We are a consumptive culture and we are continually exposed to the idea that we should be comfortable. We are disconnected from each other and from connection and we are using lots of things to comfort the void we feel in disconnection.

 

Connect Point: Ask yourself, when I feel overwhelmed (when life has been too much), what do I turn to for comfort? Try to consider what you go to outside of your relationship. Identify when I need comfort and what is the thing I tend to turn to for the comfort I long for?

 

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website at: www.therealimhoffs.com